My bad, folks. I have been remiss in my duties to report to you the goings on in the parallel universes that exist right here on the good old blue marble. Without further ado….
1. The “life drones on” award to the Casa Madrona hotel in Sausalito, California. Seems the hotel decided that it isn’t swanky enough, so they have created a $10,000.00 a night room with all the possible upscale amenities, including “drone delivery” room service. That’s right, a drone will fly up to your room to
personally deliver your champagne and caviar snack. The biggest problem for the guests, of course, is deciding how much to tip the bell-drone. To relieve the angst associated with such a momentous decision, the hotel will attach a suggestion list. One of the recommendations: for a $1000 tip, the drone will also take out someone you hate with a rocket launch.
2. The “cubicle wars heat up” award to the U.S. Research firm which has determined that grumpy and negative people are much better workers. Taking time out from less important research issues like how to solve homelessness, the firm has canvassed thousands of workers and found that the “haters” are actually better workers because they work on fewer tasks and therefore hone their skills at those activities. The more friendly type workers (poor slobs that they are) gladly take on more tasks and therefore become a “jack-of-all- trades, yet master of none.” After finishing up this in-depth research, the firm moved immediately on to its next project, expected to take months to complete, with the headline: “tuna wrap or cheeseburger – which do today’s workers prefer for lunch?”
3. The “don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to be in battle!” award to Vice President Joe Biden, who hosted his annual media picnic and promptly got into a soaker water gun fight with the press corps and his grandchildren. Saying how this was going to “spruce up his resume” for the 2016 White House run, “fightin’ Joe” managed to rack up an impressive and Swarzeneggeresque 3-to-1 kill ratio against the third grade children of the attendees. When, it was suggested to the VP that this really wasn’t a true “combat” situation, Joe took issue, strongly stating that it was indeed a “big effing deal!”
4. The “next thing you know, they’ll want access to their trust fund” award to the reporter who revealed that 1 in 7 multimillionaires are worried that their wealth will deprive their children of drive and ambition. In this shocking expose, we find that a few of the super-rich actually lose sleep over whether their riches will be detrimental to their offspring’s desire to be contributing members of society. When the reporter asked to speak to the offspring of one interviewee, he was informed that right after the tennis and golf lessons, he could probably find them at the country club pool to chat them up. In an effort to get opinions from both groups, our intrepid reporter spoke to one of the 6 out of 7 multimillionaires who isn’t concerned. When queried about this potential problem the respondent simply said, “What could possibly go wrong just because our kids have a lot of money?”
5. The “hey, we’re just practicing for when we have to work our way through college” award to the elementary school that is allowing kids as young as 4 years old to pole dance. Incredulous parents descended on the building after finding out about the pole dancing exhibitions sanctioned by the school. Stating that this was only an attempt to further encourage physical fitness for the kids, the school administration was hard pressed to explain the “less than appropriate” dress of some of the girls. This ill-conceived adventure may have never been discovered if it wasn’t for the fact that many of the young boys were requesting that their parents not pack sandwiches, but rather let them have dollar bills with which to “buy their lunch”.
6. The “it’s OK, I was drunk when I posted that picture of my penis on Facebook” award to the American Bar Association which has given the green light to lawyers to search social media sights when selecting jurors for trials. In a new twist to the process of voir dire, or the questioning of prospective jurors to determine their suitability, lawyers may now investigate their social media postings. Expect future jury selection questioning to go something like this: “Mr Jones, do you think you can remain impartial during the trial of the defendant, Levi Greenberg, in spite of the fact that you have a swastika tattooed on your ass?”
7. The ” my dad can be more politically correct than your dad” award to Minnesota Senate democrat John Hoffman, who successfully got a bill passed changing the name of the Asian carp fish, an aggressively destructive invasive species that is invading U.S. waters. Henceforth, these carp shall be known as white carp, black carp, etc. depending on their color. Hoffman contends that the name Asian carp is offensive because it implies a negative connotation to a region of the world. Next on the docket, Senator Hoffman will advocate for a well known African cultural tribe and plans to to get the name of the “Pygmy Whitefish”, a species widespread in Minnesotan waters, changed to “Dimensionally-Challenged Whitefish.”
8. The “dog ate my homework” award to the IRS, who conveniently lost emails and trashed the hard drive of Nonprofit Organizations Manager, Lois Lerner, the key suspect in the targeting of certain groups by this much feared agency. With no apologies forthcoming from the director of the IRS, this appears to be another in a series of stone-walling by various departments of the current administration when it comes to congressional investigations. While this particular incident affects few Americans directly, it is cause for some alarm when one realizes this is the same agency that will be overseeing and enforcing the myriad Obamacare rules and regulations. I mean, who wants to hear this when you ask about the status of the appeal on your recent claim: “I refuse to answer on the grounds it may tend to incriminate me.”