>"They did what?" Awards — Volume II-1st Edition


The “mouse that roared” award to a man jailed in Nassau County, New York. A judge ruled that the man may sue the county, claiming that a rat bit him on the penis while he was in his cell. The man has had to undergo a serious of painful rabies shots. The county is defending itself saying that there is no rodent infestation in its jail. The defense attorney for the county remarked in an impromptu news conference outside the courthouse ” we are also investigating the possibility that the plaintiff was romantically involved with Lorena Bobbitt.”

The “all in the name of art” award to German sculptor Marcel Walldorf.  According to Breitbart News “A prize-winning lifelike sculpture of a squatting policewoman urinating has whipped up a storm of protest in Germany, where it went on prominent display last week. It depicts a young female police officer in full riot gear crouching to pee, with exposed buttocks and a small gelatin “puddle” affixed to the floor of the gallery at the Academy of Fine Arts in Dresden, eastern Germany.” The sculpture is titled “Petra.” The artist dismisses the uproar as a bunch of ignorant people who don’t appreciate art depicting our culture. Rumor among the artistic elite has it that her next great work will be titled “Fireman with Diarrhea”

The “man bites dog” award to the hunter in Belarus, Russia.  A wounded fox shot its would be killer in Belarus by pulling the trigger on the hunter’s gun as the pair scuffled after the man tried to finish the animal off with the butt of the rifle. This incident ended when the fox eventually escaped and the man went to the hospital to be treated for a leg wound. There is apparently no truth to the report that the fox was heard to utter “Tally Ho” as it limped off into the woods.

The “we’re from the government, we’re here to help you” award to the City of Detroit. Besides mailing out 60,000 real estate tax bills with the wrong tax rate, the city of Detroit also sent two tax bills to some families while others received none at all. Seizing on this unfortunate oversight, the Obama administration is now investigating this as a possible new approach to its “spread the wealth” program. A spokesman for Timothy Geithner, Treasury Secretary, hypothesized that the department is looking into those families making over $250,000 paying everyone else’s taxes as well as their own.

The “here’s one immigrant that ain’t sneakin by us” award to the U.S. Immigration Service. According to Britain’s paper The Telegraph, a 9 year old boy has been denied a Visa to visit the U.S. to collect on a surprise trip to Disney World bought for him by his grandparents. The boy lives in England but has a South African passport. The U.S. immigration agency claims the boy has no real permanent domicile and is a threat to stay in the U. S. after his Visa expires. In related news, the Department of Homeland Security has released figures that another 77,000 undocumented Mexican children have crossed the border into the U.S. this month.

The “best misuse of bank bailout money” award to LaSalle and Cenlar Federal Savings Bank in Philadelphia. The bank, in what has to be its finest humanitarian moment, told an 85 year old mortgagee that if she paid a $5800.00 fee, they would forgive the fact that she missed the final $432 payment on her 30 year mortgage. The woman, who was hospitalized at the time she missed her last ever payment on the mortgage, is suing the bank for foreclosing in lieu of the $5800 payment. What’s even worse, the original judge on the case threw her suit out! The appeals court has overruled and allowed the suit to continue.

The “one flew over the chicken coop” award to the scientists in England who have created a genetically modified “superchicken” which doesn’t spread deadly bird flu. Hailing this as a breakthrough in protecting humans and millions of other birds from this ravaging disease, the biologists stated it is ‘inconceivable’ that its meat or eggs could be harmful. It should be noted however, that since this “superchicken” was conceived from another live chicken embryo, it does not answer the age old question of “which came first?” Scientists have also revealed that this new “superchicken” has an uncontrollable urge to cross the road. They say they don’t know why.

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