“The Unhappy Meal”
1. The “There’s a $2500.00 fine in every box!” award to Leroy Comrie, New York City councilman. Comrie (rhymes with commie) is proposing fines from $200 to $2500 (for repeat offenses) for each McDoanlds “Happy Meal” that offers a toy but doesn’t meet calorie, fat and sodium standards that the government will impose. In yet another government anti-capitalist overreach, the councilman must believe that McDonalds is forcing the innocent public to come to its restaurants and buy these meals. On the plus side, this could be a boon to the city’s unemployment problem as thousands of new “calorie, fat and sodium” enforcement officers will be hired to track down and prosecute these criminals. Unfortunately, this could be offset by the fact that McDonalds now plans to move all of it’s NYC restaurants to New Jersey.
2. The “quicker picker upper” award to Alfred Murphy of Atlanta, Georgia. Murphy grabbed some paper towels from a maintenance cart in an Atlanta rail station and used them to blow his nose. A police report says Murphy grabbed the towels at a MARTA station Monday afternoon, and a transit system police officer told him he couldn’t do that. Murphy said he was entitled to them because he’d paid his fare. The officer asked Murphy to leave and instead he picked up a police phone and complained about being assaulted. Officers were summoned and Murphy struggled with them and he was arrested. Murphy has since been banned from using Marta whenever he has a cold.
3. The “I have jury duty so I won’t be into work today…or ever again” award to juror #799 in Brooklyn Federal Court. The juror, who was summoned for jury duty for a mafia trial, filled out her questionnaire with racial epithets and slurs against police officer in an obvious attempt to avoid jury duty. The judge was so incensed as he berated her he said “you will be coming back for jury tomorrow and well into the future until I am ready to dismiss you!” The joke is on him though, as juror #799 has stated she is prejudiced against every single race including her own. She’s Asian.
4. The “how’s that hopey, changey thing working?” award to the fine citizens of San Francisco who attacked a man with an anti-Obama sign. I know, you’re thinking another hapless Republican gets what he deserves, right? Actually, the man, a Democrat, had set up a table with literature supporting an even more left-wing political candidate, Lyndon LaRouche. I used to think they’d need defrosters in Hell before someone was too left wing for San Franciscans, but there you go.
5. The “speaking of losers from San Francisco” award to Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi has once again demonstrated her clueless approach to her job and lack of any real understanding of what this country needs. America’s “give away darling” has invoked the shopworn Democrat mantra that Republicans hate seniors and kids. Stating that Representative Paul Ryan’s long term budget proposal will “deprive 6 million seniors of meals”, Pelosi is exhibiting the very reason that this country will be bankrupt if nothing is done about spending. If you believe that Americans will let 6 million seniors starve because of passing this budget then I can see why people like Pelosi continue to be reelected. To be fair though, I reread the Constitution and just noticed that in fine print there is a clause that says “The Federal Government shall have the sole responsibility of providing meals on wheels to home bound senior citizens.” Guess I should have paid more attention in civics class. As a side note, this award category will probably no longer appear as Ms. Pelosi has seemingly “wrapped it up” for the foreseeable future.
6. The “I guess I was wrong about the previous award category” award to the 60 Obama donors in San Francisco who will attend the $35,800.00 per plate fund-raising dinner for Obama. That works out to about $5900 per escargot.
7. The “man bites dog” award to Ryan Stephens of Mason, Ohio who managed to get himself arrested for barking at a police dog. Officer Bradley Walker noticed that his police dog was barking uncontrollably in the car while he was investigating another incident. He returned to find Stephens barking at the dog. When confronted about his behavior, Stephens exclaimed “the dog started it!” In a shocking side note, Stephens appeared to be intoxicated. As punishment, Stephens will now do 6 months of community service bringing officer Walker his slippers and paper every evening.
8. The “it’s never too early to woo the caucuses” award to the ancient man in Iowa. In a surprise discovery, sewer construction workers in Des Moines, Iowa have unearthed human remains that appear to be 7000 years old. While his exact identity is still a mystery, writings on the stone tablets next to the remains indicate that the man had some political motive for being in Iowa. Upon hearing this news, archaeologists the world over began descending on New Hampshire to begin a massive new dig.