Hello…. I’m Mother Earth…your worst nightmare!

The following article appeared in Canada.com http://www.canada.com/technology/document+would+give+Mother+Earth+same+rights+humans/4597840/story.html a few days ago. In essence, this document under consideration at the UN would give the earth the same legal rights as humans. You remember humans don’t you? It’s that nasty, uncaring, selfish bunch that are the scourge of the planet. What’s that? You are one? Well, I hope you are overwhelmed with guilt as befits your status as the worst life-form ever.

Ah, but justice is soon to be had. This UN document will right all the terrible wrongs that have been done since man first denigrated the earth by inventing destructive fire. Oh wait, they didn’t invent that, the earth did, they just discovered it. Then later, as man became more sophisticated, he invented floods. No wait, wrong again. That was the earth too. Well, I know that man invented volcanoes and earthquakes. Well, maybe not invented them, but he sure didn’t try to stop them did he? And who but irresponsible earthlings would come up with horrible scenarios like tornadoes and hurricanes?

But this UN document will see to it that humans and their ilk will be legally accountable for their crimes against earth. Dwindling rain forests, endangered animal species, disappearing wetlands, all would now have legal redress. I’m not sure who will be prosecuted for these evil-doings but someone will pay. I hope it’s not you, but if it would make it right, then so be it. It would be kind of like the ancient Mayans, who sacrificed a few for the sins of all.

The only problem I see with this UN mandate is how it would clog up the legal system. There are so many questions to be answered. Of course, there would have to be more lawyers. Who doesn’t think that’s a good thing? And if the earth could remediate for transgressions against it, then it would also have legal responsibility for its own transgressions. How do you sue a thunder-storm? Ever tried to take a  poison ivy plant to court? How about a sink hole that swallows your house? Talk about an open and shut case. And what about the statute of limitations? Can the dinosaurs’ estate still bring suit against that asteroid?

Will vegetarians finally get their comeuppance? Imagine the suffering  plant life has endured because of their wanton disregard for the sanctity of  broccoli. How about that unfeeling farmer who in his efforts to feed the world, tills unsuspecting soil. Would you want to be tilled? Of course not.

Has anyone considered the implications of cross-species crimes? Will the near-dead gazelle be able to criminally prosecute the feeding lion? Will the thorny Acacia tree have any recourse against the long-reaching giraffe? It boggles the mind. But I’m pretty sure the UN will work all this out. I’m encouraged to think this mandate will have the same effect as most of their mandates.

But there is still time evil humans. Put down that innocent banana or that  guiltless fish sandwich. Quit siphoning water from that beautiful river. Can’t we just become one with the earth? Can’t we and it just…..get along?

Disclaimer: No plants or animals were harmed in the writing of this blog.

3 thoughts on “Hello…. I’m Mother Earth…your worst nightmare!

  1. Pingback: OK, I get it now……..no one ever explained it quite like that before. | thecvillean

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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