Well, you’ve all heard the news by now. NASA scientists report that at the rate we are destroying our own planet, we will force aliens to take matters into their own hands. To quote the article; “Humanity may just now be entering the period in which its rapid civilizational expansion could be detected by an ETI (extraterrestrial intelligence) because our expansion is changing the composition of the Earth’s atmosphere, via greenhouse gas emissions,” the study said. “A preemptive strike would be particularly likely in the early phases of our expansion because a civilization may become increasingly difficult to destroy as it continues to expand.” (Aliens may exterminate humanity)
I don’t know about you, but I take these things very seriously. That’s why I am posting this top-secret alien transmission that was intercepted by our NASA scientists. They will not admit they have it, but my sources are unimpeachable. Apparently it took place on an as yet undiscovered planet called Gretsorb. The two Gretsorbians are discussing the imminent invasion of earth. Let’s listen in:
Zendar: Have you seen the morning paper yet, Nornak?
Nornak: Yes, the earthlings continue to destroy their planet with their gaseous emissions.
Zendar: They know that their CO2 output is dangerous yet they continue to allow the propagation of politicians who make long speeches which continue to destroy their atmosphere.
Nornak: What is worse, it is election season so these emissions will triple.
Zendar: And what is with their leaders, do they ever stop talking?
Nornak: Not really. He promised during his campaign to continue to say hopeful things that would make everyone feel better. That seems to still be working for him.
Zendar: And why do they persist in using these automobiles? Why do they not use teleportation like us?
Nornak: It is their big corporations. They are evil and have stifled the development of this technology so they could sell their polluting machines at obscene profits.
Zendar: You are right Nornak, these will be the first of the earthlings that we dispatch.
Nornak: That reminds me, Zendar, how are the plans for the invasion coming?
Zendar: Beautifully. Our earth mole, code name Algore, has prepared well. He has convinced the gullible homo sapiens that they are at fault for destroying their planet while actually producing the vast majority of the gas himself. Our diabolical plan is working. They will submit easily now and hail us as their saviors.
Nornak: Excellent. Our contrived propaganda campaign about the polar bears has worked well. The naive earthlings cannot resist a cause that involves furry animals.
Zendar: Exactly. Speaking of animals, did you remember to transport more of the flatulent bovine species to earth?
Nornak: It is done. The male population will blame them for the CO2 output and be distracted by telling cow fart jokes and not realize what is really happening.
Zendar: Sheer genius, Nornak. This will give us all the excuse we need to take over their planet.
Nornak: I just have one question. What will we do with this contaminated orb when we have conquered it?
Zendar: That is the whole idea, Nornak. It is where we will send our toxic garbage. Have you forgotten our credo “Get Gretsorb Green!”?
The mind boggles.