The upside of insomnia……..

Can’t sleep? Worry keeping you up? Take heart and turn that worry into an easy lifestyle.

"That damn ring around the collar. Whatever can I do?"

Just get out of bed and turn on the TV. So what if it’s 2:30 in the morning, this is important. Within a very short time, a very loquacious person (who is a recent graduate of speed-talking school) will selflessly make you an offer you can’t refuse. He or she will be willing to practically give away, for the insane price of $19.95, an item that you heretofore  didn’t realize you couldn’t live without.

"Please help me! My smile is stuck."

These items will do so many things for you, all you will have to do is sit back and write blogs while they make the rest of your life effortless. Depending on which item you buy (and you should buy them all at this ridiculously low price of $19.95) it will chop, paint, seal, wash, open, clean, bag, repair, connect, cut, store, shine, wax, alleviate or invigorate.

It will also grow hair, get rid of hair, build muscles, help you lose weight, clear up your skin, make you look younger, give you confidence, save your joints, get rid of gray, make you richer, get you a promotion, get you a job, allow you to move heavy furniture with just your pinky finger, keep the rain off you, keep the sun off you, let you look directly into the sun, assure good breath, and above all, improve your sex life.

But wait, there’s more! For a limited time, for the same price, they will send you two of whatever it is. That’s right, they are willing to lose money to improve your life. That’s how altruistic these folks are. Call now!

"Yes, I wear a suit and hat to bed, but that's not important now."

Here’s an example: You are beside yourself because no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get the wrinkles out after you wash and dry your wrinkle-proof blouse. This product will guarantee that those pesky wrinkles will disappear. How much would you be willing to pay for that? Don’t answer now (it would shorten this blog). In addition, if you call within the next 5 minutes, they will throw in a new washer/dryer. What would you pay now? Don’t answer yet (I’m still blogging). But that’s not all, if you refer to their commercial, you will receive a hundred shares of stock in their company, a $500 value. Now how much would you  pay? OK, now go ahead and say $1000. Wrong! This is being offered to you for not $1000, not $500, no, not even $100. It’s yours for $19.95!

Not to mention the guarantee. If you ever experience a wrinkle in your blouses over your entire lifetime, even if it isn’t noticeable because your skin is even more wrinkled than the blouse, you will get triple your money back. Keep the washer and dryer, keep the company stock, and please accept their apologies.

"Your apology ain't cuttin it mister!"

Why would anybody turn these things down? If I didn’t alert you to these great offers, I  wouldn’t be able to sleep. In fact, just for reading this blog and sending me $19.95 before you spouse wakes up (cash only please), I will send you an autographed copy of my book, “The 100 Most Famous Quotes”, which includes such all-time favorites as “There’s a sucker born every minute”, “A fool and his money are soon parted” and many, many more.

You will thank me later. Sleep tight.

20 thoughts on “The upside of insomnia……..

  1. I think the two pillows just might be worth the $19.95, at least if you can’t sleep your head will be resting comfortably. Oh and don’t forget the perfect brownie pan, now THAT’s worth the $19.95~

    LOL, great post.

  2. Funny post, Al! Those Infomercials are the worst! Anything to fill up air time. Remember when they had that bullseye-type symbol until the station resumed programming at a reasonable hour? People who had insomnia back then gor a lot ouf housework and reading done!

    • I would have thought Bulgaria would have a lot more class than us, but alas.

      That last picture is of my former boss. Thank goodness she was in a good mood that day.

  3. Don’t forget the ads that not only offer a second item free, but for no extra money throw in out of the goodness of their hearts a carrying case, six extra spoons, a set of steak knives, a cutting board, etc etc. Great blog – I’ve spent many a sleepless hour forcing myself to leave the phone alone. I’m up now in fact commenting…………it’s 1:30am. Better go see what’s for sale on TV.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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