1. The ” Here come da judge” award to Jean-Louis “B.” of France. According to the online version of The Telegraph, Mrs. “B” was awarded nearly $14,000 in damages by a judge in southern France for her recently divorced husband’s “lack of performance” between the sheets. The husband countered that his tiredness and health problems contributed to the lack of sex over their 21 year marriage. The man was fined under France’s Civil Code 215 which states married couples must agree to a “shared communal life”. In related news, the judge and Mrs. B have announced their wedding and honeymoon plans, which includes a week on the Riviera, estimated to cost around $14,000.
2. The “Mouse that
Soared” award to Nepal airlines. A flight from Katmandu, Nepal to Bangkok was cancelled when a mouse ran from the galley to the back of the plane during boarding. Apparently a stowaway from the catering truck that had just finished loading, the mouse avoided all attempts to apprehend it.
An airline spokesman later stated that “based on some of the passport photos I’ve seen, many of our other passengers also have rodent-like qualities, but this one hadn’t been properly checked through security.” Though the mouse was never caught, the flight resumed when the exasperated pilot finally said “I don’t give a rat’s ass, we’re leaving.”
3. The “Indiana Wants Me” award to Bryon Womack of Cicero, IL, who stopped his car in the middle of busy I-65 in Indiana, got out and started marching down the highway like a drum major with a 35″ Samurai sword.
After being confronted by an Indiana state trooper, Womack attempted to hijack a car but was taken down and handcuffed. As he was being driven to the police station he kept repeating the phrase “I am cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” No word yet on the charges, but it was revealed that after serving his sentence, Womack has a standing offer from General Mills for a position as PR spokesman.
4. The ” AIDS Awareness Week” award to the unidentified adult film performer who, according to Associated Press, tested positive for HIV and caused the porn industry to shut down production as a precaution, but has since been retested and found to not have the virus. “Production can now be
reserected resurrected” stated an elated porn trade spokesman. Almost immediately, internet traffic shot back up from its precipitously low-level right after the HIV scare. In related news, it was officially announced that Algore had not invented the internet as he claimed, but instead had produced two very successful internet porn films titled “Warm This!” and “An Inconvenient Threesome.”
5. The “Boys from Brazil” award to the man, whose identity remains confidential, that has fathered 150 offspring through a sperm donor agency. The New York Times reports that due to instances like this prodigious, yet still anonymous donor, there is an increased likelihood of unintentional incest between half-brothers and half-sisters in the future. In what seems eerily similar to the “Hitler cloning” from the above-mentioned novel, many of these artificially inseminated offspring are very close in appearance. While more oversight of these agencies will undoubtedly be forthcoming, for now it is recommended that the standard line for young couples trying to hook up be changed from “What’s your sign?” to “Who’s your Daddy?”
And last, but certainly not least:
6. The “How would you like your roadkill prepared?” award to Andrew Lancaster, a New Zealand taxidermist. Lancaster, an amateur taxidermist has caused controversy over his hybrid animal stuffings which combine body parts from creatures that have been killed on the roads. Andrew was quoted as saying: “Some people call me sick and some think it’s pretty good, I saw heaps of dead things on the side of the road and thought it was a waste. When I’m driving along the road and see something I pull up and go back for it.”
While Lancaster insists that he only works on animals he finds dead and would never hunt or hurt an animal, this should now give one pause before using the expression “when pigs fly!”
You can’t make this stuff up! Well, maybe a little.