Lucifer’s latte

Proof that Beelzebub lives!

Two words: Egg Nog. OK, one word: Eggnog. (I never have figured out if it is one or two words.) Regardless, it’s a culinary treat that could only be conceived by the Prince of Darkness himself. I can just see his mini-me version sitting on my shoulder now, saying “drink up, Al, it’s all good.”

Go ahead, have another. Those cups are sooooo small.

When I go to a grocery store during this season and see it on the shelf for the first time, my heart sinks. For then I know that I will be facing the most tempting few weeks of the year. Yes, that time of the year when we are most conscious of  putting on weight as a result of overindulgence in holiday foods.

Actually, I am pretty good at limiting myself on most food and drink. I can easily, but politely, refuse seconds at dinner. I will usually nurse one drink through an entire party. Why, I’ve even been known to ration myself on Christmas cookies. Sure, it’s a big ration, but it is a ration.

But just put out a punch bowl of eggnog and all bets are off. My initial reaction when first seeing it on the table is “that isn’t nearly enough.” You won’t have to look very hard to find me the rest of the evening.

"Sir, put the ladle down and slowly step away from the punch bowl!"

And who but Old Nick could conjure up so many bad-for-you things in one recipe. Fat, cholesterol, sugar, salt; it’s all there. By most accounts, one cup of eggnog is 343 calories. But that’s the off-the-shelf variety. The homemade versions usually top 400 calories. And that’s before you add any “flavorings” like rum or bourbon. And as if that enticement wasn’t enough, The Great Tempter has now called forth eggnog versions of cookies, cakes, pies, ice cream and even bread.

Eggnog should come with warning labels just like cigarettes. I suspect it would read something like this:

WARNING: Consumption of this product will give you more guilt than forgetting to call your mother on Sunday afternoon. If you or anyone you know becomes addicted to this product, call the following number for help. 1-800-gud-luck.

Well, I sure feel better having gotten that off my chest. But I hope this revelation that you are doing Satan’s bidding every time you guzzle this frothy drink hasn’t dampened your holiday spirit. Cheers!

Remember, "thou shalt not yield to temptation!"

15 thoughts on “Lucifer’s latte

  1. I used to enjoy eggnog, but I’m vegan, so it’s off limits to me. Just as well. I never liked rum, but I hear putting rum in it is popular. That way you don’t think as much about the calories… 😉

    I like the new look of your blog, Al. Very classy. What’s up with that?

  2. This is a valuable community service announcement. I actually read the nutritional info on the bottle we bought last weekend and poured myself 1/4 cup for a total of 90 calories. No lie – almost 100 calories to barely make a swallow. Sigh.

    • After your incredible “biggest loser” success story I imagine you are very label conscious now. It’s not the calories that scare me so much about eggnog, it’s the amount of saturated fat and cholesterol in it. Thank goodness it only gets marketed at this time of year.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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