It’s been about 6 months since I last posted an edition of the “They did what?” awards. I had thought I would raise the bar a bit and take a break from this thinly veiled attempt to get cheap laughs at the expense of the less fortunate among us. But the news the last couple of days has gotten the best of me. These folks have worked hard for their 15 minutes of fame and who am I do deny them the attention they so obviously crave. So, here goes.
1. The “what you see is what you get” award to the man in Sacramento, CA (where else?) who walked completely naked into welding shop asking for a job interview. Jose (can you see) Ayala, an out-of-work immigrant, was not granted the interview but “hung” around anyway until the owner was forced to call police. Upon being questioned by them, he became combative and had to be subdued by the two officers, one of which was a woman. Interviewed later, the female officer stated, “it was difficult, because there were only so many places we could grab him.” Really? For their part, the employees at the welding shop said that while the word “flash” had common usage in their daily work, this was the first time it had been used in this context.
2. The “excuse me, but I believe there’s a hippopotamus eating your azalea bush” award to the Florida Association of Zoos and Aquariums. The Association (we’ll call them “the ass” for the sake of brevity), is trying to push a bill through the Florida legislature to allow ungulate species to graze openly on state-owned land. Ungulates are those animals that have hooves. Arguing that the state already leases land to ranchers to graze cattle, “the ass” says the use of these lands for ungulate zoo animals would put Florida “at the forefront of progressive conservationist states.” Opponents, noting that this also includes such large animals as the rhinoceros, hippopotamus, elephant and giraffe, simply call the idea “boneheaded.” Personally, I think it would behoove “the ass” to not stick their neck out too far with this idea.
3. The “lightly toasted, no butter” award to Dr. Caleb Crestwell, a dermatology specialist in Minneapolis. Dr. Crestwell has issued a warning against seat warmers in automobiles saying that they can cause “Toasted Skin Syndrome.” The good doctor cautions that people who use these hot seats can develop a rash (not a burn) on their derrieres which can be itchy and irritating. However, not quite as irritating as having your butt frozen solid to a cold vinyl seat requiring the services of an EMT to remove it. After issuing his report, it was revealed by an investigative journalist that Dr. Crestwell is a card-carrying member of an heretofore little known group called “Association of People Who Want to Take the Fun Out of Life.”
4. The “I wonder what that noise was?” award to the mother in Wichita, KS who drove all the way home after her 2-year old had fallen out of the car about 1 1/2 miles prior. Apparently, the boy had unbuckled his seat belt (no child safety seat) opened the door and fell out. A woman in that neighborhood came out to her front lawn to check on a “disturbance” to find the wailing boy who, other than a bloody lip and scraped arm, was miraculously unharmed. The mother , upon arriving home and finding the child missing, retraced her steps and located the boy with his rescuer. The woman refused to turn the child over to the mother until the police arrived to investigate. As of this writing, the mother has not been charged but has voluntarily agreed to watch the movie “Home Alone” and attend “nose counting” classes at the local community college.
5. The “who knew E=MC squared was a turn-on?” award to renowned British physicist Stephen Hawking. Apparently Hawking, 70, who is wheelchair bound and for years has been totally paralyzed with a motor neuron disease, has been visiting a swingers sex club in California (where else?). It appears that the famed astrology professor has had naked dancers perform privately for him. Hawking, ironically a staunch proponent of the “Big Bang” theory as the origin of the universe, seemingly can’t tear himself away from the study of heavenly bodies even during his leisure hours. A Cambridge University spokesman was quick to point out that Hawking is not a “regular” visitor to the California club, although Hawking has previously been photographed enjoying the attentions of young ladies at London’s Stringfellows Club. You can’t argue that Hawking would classify as an “irregular” visitor under any circumstance.
And last, but certainly not least:
6. The “when it drains, it pours” award to the couple in Malverne, NY. The couple,who were inundated with sludge when an airliner’s lavatory malfunctioned during takeoff from Kennedy Airport, demanded an explanation and investigation about the occurrence. The incident happened while the pair were taking advantage of the unseasonably mild weather and enjoying an outdoor cookout. The wife explained to authorities that there were now quarter-sized, nickel-size and dime-sized “chunks” all over her deck, barbecue and table. While the airline acknowledged that the shit had indeed hit the jet fan, it stopped short of admitting responsibility for the couples’ claim that their lives were now “in the crapper.”