Well folks, it looks like 2013 will be another banner year for those among us who feel brain cells are way overrated. Getting the year off to a rousing start would be……
1. The “MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drilling)” award to Dr. Robert Garelick, a Lindhurst, N.Y. dentist who was arrested for practicing under the influence of alcohol. Garelick is accused of boozing it up and then performing a complicated drilling procedure on the mouth one of his patients. The patient smelled his boozy breath and became so alarmed that she called police, who came and cuffed the tight tooth doctor. When asked why he would risk his practice to work on a patient while in his condition he responded, “why does the patient always gets to be the one who’s anesthetized?”
2. The “say 10 Hail Marys and sin no more” award to Father Thomas Byrne, an 80 year-old retired priest in Australia. Bynre pleaded guilty to assault after biting off the ear of a fellow retirement home dweller during an altercation over a parking spot. But the story has another twist. Apparently, after the two calmed down, Bryne told the man, Father Thomas Smith, 81, to pick up something he had dropped during the scuffle. Smith did so, put it in his pocket and didn’t realize it was his ear until he got home. At the hearing (or should I say earing?) Bryne was granted bail and told not to go within 30 feet of Smith, even though they live in the same building. For their part, the retirement home management has instituted a policy going forward of not renting to any retired priest whose given name is Thomas.
3. The “those tech guys have all the fun” award to Russell Kent Gordon, a tech specialist at a natural resources consulting firm in Portland Oregon. Gordon, apparently a proponent of breast versus bottle feeding, placed a camera pen on the desk of a co-worker to watch her as she used a breast pump. The co-worker eventually noticed that the pen, which was in a cup on her desk, was also attached to a USB drive. Kent was arrested and charged with second degree burglary and invasion of privacy. As he was being led out, he shouted to the woman that the waterproof pen was also good for writing in the shower.
4. The “have a Gouda day” award to the Norwegian truck driver whose truck caught fire in a road tunnel almost 900 miles north of Oslo. The driver was in the middle of the 2.2 mile tunnel when his 27 ton truck full of goat cheese caught fire. Due to the stickiness and fumes, it took 4 days to put out the fire. The driver, who unfortunately will become the real goat in this story, was uninjured. It is expected that the tunnel will be closed for two weeks while the cleanup crew does their job. In effort to keep the costs down and considering their extreme northern proximity, it was decided that the crew will consist of hundreds of Arctic mice.
5. The “what ever happened to good old-fashion streaking?” award to Gregory (the devil made me do it) Bruni of Venice Florida. Gregory managed to gain access to a home in Fort Meyers, where he proceeded to run rampant (and naked) through the house, defecating and “pleasuring himself” while the couple living there frantically called 911. In the commotion, the wife grabbed their revolver and fired three shots at the drugged-up nudie but missed, hitting the wall instead. Police finally arrived and carted off the nutcase to ascertain exactly what substance might be coursing through his veins. In related news, the NRA has launched a preemptive strike to head off the inevitable outrage of the Masonry Architects and Home Builders Association by issuing the following statement: “Guns don’t shoot walls, people shoot walls!”
6. The “because Prohibition worked so well” award to State Representative Mitch Greenlick of Oregon who is introducing legislation that will make cigarettes a Schedule III controlled substance that will require a doctor’s prescription. This will make unlawful possession and distribution of nicotine a crime punishable by up to one year of prison and a $6,250 fine. Needless to say this will be an uphill battle against the tobacco lobby, not to mention the additional strain it would put on law enforcement. Doctors in Oregon are already gearing up for possible passage by changing the message on their answering machines to: “smoke two cigarettes and call me in the morning.”
7. The “it will come out alright in the end” award to Ronald Robinson of Jacksonville, FL. Sorry to report, but Eugene has also all but wrapped up the “Recycler of the Year” award for his fine effort at returning used enema kits to the store in their original packaging. Prosecutors say Robinson resealed and returned used enemas for refunds to pharmacies who unsuspectingly resold them to new customers. He faces federal charges of tampering with consumer products which carries a $250,000.00 fine and 10 years in prison. There is good news for Ronald, however. If convicted, he will be getting free enemas for the entire time he is incarcerated.