Another year is drawing quickly a close. Want to know what 2014 might issue forth in the way of big news? Well, you don’t have to wait. Big Al’s predictions for big news items of the coming year are in. Skeptical? Doubting Thomas? Naysayer? Before you click on that X up in the corner, read what famous authorities on precognition have to say about Big Al’s accuracy.
“It’s uncanny, unbottley even, he’s nailed it every year.” – The Amazing Kreskin
“It’s like Big Al has pipeline directly to the Almighty himself” – Jeanne Dixon (posthumously, through a seance)
“He gives me the answer before I even know what my question will be” – The Great Carnac
“In the 21st century, a phenom called Big Al will appear who will exceed even me in his ability to foresee the events to come” – Nostradamus (circa 1560)
“If this clown comes anywhere near Las Vegas or Atlantic City, I swear we’ll break his kneecaps.” – The Mafia
Now that I have your attention, read below about the most germane happenings of 2014 before they happen.
1. Voters will become so disenchanted with Washington, D. C. politicians they will petition England to re-establish America as a colony of the Crown and appoint Prince Harry as Regent.
2. Over 15 million previously uninsured Americans will die at their computers waiting to sign up for Obamacare. Obama will tout his plan saying, “see, there is no longer a single uninsured American!”
3. Over 85 million previously happily insured Americans will needlessly suffer debilitating migraines while being forced to change their plans. Naturally, the economy will tank even further as they skip work to look for a new doctor.
4. Maternity coverage for men, part of Obamacare, will become the highest all-time money-maker for insurance companies, with zero claims paid.
5. The game “knockout”, where punks assault unsuspecting victims just for fun, will become the number one-rated TV reality show.
6. The National Football League, citing the devastating findings of its study on the long-term effects of concussions suffered during games, will immediately institute a new “tickle tackle” policy. Henceforth, players will no longer be allowed to tackle each other, but rather must tickle the ball carrier until he is laughing so hard he falls to the ground.
7. President Obama will face yet another scandal when it is revealed that the drone that was launched to “take out” whistle-blower Edward Snowden in Russia, hits Lenin’s Tomb by mistake. Obama subsequently invites Vladimir Putin for a beer in the Rose Garden to “smooth things out.”
8. Major League baseball will do a complete about-face regarding the widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs. Stating that it is just plain easier to monitor the non-users, they declare that, henceforth, anyone found not using the substances will face a 100-game suspension for the first offense.
9. Alec Baldwin, recently fired from MSNBC for his vulgar and unhinged tirades, will start his own news network and call it You GD effing SOB. His slogan will be “I may be unbalanced, but you’re a freaking f_ _ _ _ t!”
10. England responds to the petition by American voters by politely declining their proposition stating, “while flattered by the offer, Prince Harry would feel too uncomfortable governing a Spanish-speaking colony.”