Are you tired of hearing about fake news? No one knows anymore what to believe. Is it fake? Is it partly fake? Just how fake is it? Enough of these “unnamed references” and “unsubstantiated contacts” and “sources that asked not to be identified” news items.
Here at Big Al’s blog, you can be 100%, absolutely sure that it is fake news, no if ands or buts. My motto: “If you read it here, it ain’t real!”
Without further ado, here are todays headlines:
“President Trump and Vladimir Putin secretly tie the knot!” According to reports, Donald and “Vladdie” were married in a secret ceremony at Camp David. Originally slated to be best man for the President was James Comey, however he was fired at Putin’s request just before the ceremony and replaced by a wide-eyed Kim Jong-Un. In appreciation for being selected by the President, Jong-Un declared a 30-day moratorium on the killing of his host and the nuclear destruction of the United States. Caitlyn Jenner served as bridesmaid for Russian bride.
A honeymoon ride.
In a closely related story, the reason that Melania Trump has not been seen in public for several months is revealed. She has given birth to a love child by way of an illegal immigrant named Manuel Rodriguez. No relation to the baseball great Alex.
Quasimodo, of Notre Dame Cathedral fame, has officially been accepted for residence in the sanctuary city of San Francisco. Citing years of being labeled by Parisians as a “wierdo” and “outcast” for his unusual lifestyle of living in a bell tower, Qusaimodo was given a warm welcome by the oldest living human on the planet, Nancy Pelosi. When asked if he knew beforehand that he would enjoy his new home so much, “Quasi”, as the locals now refer to him, smiled and said, “no, but I had a hunch.”
“Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”
A devastating computer virus has been introduced into E-Harmony, Match.com and all other online dating sites. Code-named “Come Here Often?”, the nasty virus may spell the end of these sites by hacking into the data posted by prospective mates and translating it into the truth.
CNN will hire Bill O’Reilly who was recently fired from Fox News. O’Reilly will be hosting a new show which will have a bit of a format twist to it . Guests will actually be treated respectfully, without insult, rudeness and constant interruptions. CNN’s president stated that this idea is a “pilot” program which if it has interest could be used in other talk shows. He concluded by saying, “but don’t hold your breath.”
“You make an excellent point and I wholeheartedly agree with your take on that, Geraldo.”
Senator Elizabeth Warren is already on the stump for the 2020 Presidential election. Speaking to a crowd in her Massachusetts hometown, the socialist leaning candidate bellowed out to the adoring crowd, her mantra, “What’s yours is mine!” After a stunned silence, she retreated back into her 5.5 million dollar home to tweak her campaign skills. Later, “Pocahontas”, as she has been nicknamed by the opposition, due to her as yet unsubstantiated claim to have a drop or two of native American blood coursing through her veins, announced that she would be departing for rural Iowa to perform a rain dance to aid that drought-stricken area.
Squaw named “Tells Many Fibs”, just outside Cedar Rapids.
British Prime Minister Theresa May firmly dispelled any notions that England would reverse its decision on Brexit by flatly stating “it makes no sense whatsoever for a country with an indecipherable monetary system like ours to belong to an organization with intelligible currency denominations.”
Does anyone here know what a Farthing is?
Well, that’s today’s “not real” news folks. Keep tuned to this blog for all the news that’s not fit to print!
Your pal, Al
The Cvillean 
And in other news…a group calling themselves ‘The Cvilleanites’ staged a coup at a news studio today, flailing Rupert Murdoch with his own newspapers (causing untold damage because they were heavy with bias), and replacing him with an ex-sailor named Ourgloriousleaderal.
Cracking post! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Eat your heart out, Daily Mirror! There’s a new kid on the block. My first headline: “President Trump “phones home”, is later seen being beamed up to alien spacecraft.”
Would it be OK if I cross-posted this article to WriterBeat.com? I’ll be sure to give you complete credit as the author. Therfe is no fee; I’m simply trying to add more content diversity for our community and I liked what you wrote. If “OK” please let me know via email.
Autumn
AutumnCote@WriterBeat.com
Thanks for stopping by my humble blog to leave a comment. Glad I found yours – what fun! You could ghost write for Andy Borowitz of The New Yorker. Keep up the good work. We might as well take it a little lighter sometimes as there is enough truly dark news out there. Cheers!
I wish you could get a job at CNN or some other worthy news channel. It would be a riot
I probably wouldn’t last long, Peter, before they appointed a special prosecutor to investigate me. Dasvidanya!
ha ha ha. I’m sure you’d find you had lots of supporters anyway
On almost every other news outlet in the land, all we get is fake news masquerading as truth. Only here can you read all the news that’s openly not fit to print.
On behalf of my neighbor, Iowa, please make “Tells Heap Big Fibs” to stay in Massachusetts with the rest of her tribe.
You know what I always say: “If fake news be the food of life, fudge on!”
You’ve done it again, Big Al……Rob thinks you should be syndicated!
Funny he should say that, I was just contacted by the syndicate. They left a rather cryptic message….something about busted knee caps if I continue to blog like this.
Al, you have brightened my day! This is the kind of news I’d rather read! I love the ‘come here often’ virus!! hahaha!! And the Trump and Putin lovers!!! Thanks for the giggle!
Have a great weekend .
– Carly
Further proof that there is still much to laugh about in life, in spite of our hearing woes. Thanks so much for the comment.
Buenos tardes, senorita Carly
De tu amigo, Al
Exactly Al! Que tengas un buen día!
I laughed out loud, well done my Bro. The piece about Elizabeth Warren is priceless…..what does she think she’s doing! I strongly suspect that we will see a U-turn on Brexit over here…the call for a general election gives the game away. Anyway, we all carry on in our own sweet way…keep your news coming, you’re funny and goodness knows we all need a laugh. ❤ Xxx
Thanks, Jane. I appreciate your good humor over the British currency comment. Just because I couldn’t figure it out doesn’t mean it isn’t pretty simple.
By the way, I have a few extra thrupence and shillings left over, can you use them?
You are a lovely brother to share, but I am OK my love, thank you. ❤
Too funny Al! I always suspected that about Melania….;)
Yes, she must have found a way over the wall, eh?
😉
Excellent news, Al. For some reason most of these stories make me think of flying pigs…
Not as far fetched as you may think, after all, the Kardashians own a private jet.
Love this Al!!! Laughed my head off. I showed my husband the photo of Trump and his bride ….. He laughed so hard he snorked!! Keep the fake news coming!
I live to serve….