Your pal, Al……going for the Gold.

The Winter Olympics are in full swing in South Korea these past several days. Participating are athletes from all over the world, who are supposed to be the absolute best at competing in ice and snow conditions. To these revered individuals I say this……pshaw!

While receiving virtually no coverage whatsoever, one of the most grueling Olympic events plays out every day during the winter. I’m talking about the Super G Pothole Slalom event. Due to cold, icy, snowy conditions across the world, areas located in northern climes present a daily, challenging slalom course of potholes that only the well-trained, intrepid driver/athlete should ever attempt.

With potholes ranging in size from barely visible to Humvee swallowing, this wreck-avoiding event surpasses even the 120 meter ski jump for sheer terror. Eat your heart out lugers and bobsledders and downhill skiers, the pothole slalom is not for the wimpy likes of you. All helmeted up in your psychedelic designer suits, you have the track all to yourselves as you bob and weave through obstacles, not to mention, you already know where they’re going to be! Try averting an unexpected black hole while another car is right next to you and the other side is a 20 foot drop-off!

The course at the 2017 Nationals……

And what’s with all these fancy names you have for the skating moves you make. Like the “double axel.” For me, a “double axel” means the pothole has broken both axles on my car. And the “triple lutz.” The day you can navigate a “triple ruts” in the dark while going 60 mph, we’ll talk. Let’s also not forget these wienies have skate edges that cut into and hold the ice. Try doing those fancy-schmancy moves with a pair of shoes with no tread, like my tires! Put that in your “half-salchow” and smoke it!

Tough break! And he was in medal contention after the first two runs……

To top it all off, I don’t get medals for pulling off a perfect ten. Just the other day, I avoided every pothole in every road going all the way across town and back. But no podium ceremony for me. No TV coverage or flags or national anthems. Just me, kissing the ground and uttering a silent prayer.

It can happen to anyone. This is the 2013 former World  Pothole Champion!

So good luck driving when you get home from Korea, with all your medals and swag and free condoms. Then we’ll see who really deserves the gold!




22 thoughts on “Your pal, Al……going for the Gold.

  1. It is amazing how deep some of those potholes are. Axle-grinders. You might have to sell some of your non-existent medals to replace your shocks. Good luck.

    • I’ve tried that, Barb. Trouble is, the imaginary medal market has tanked recently. Guess I’ll just have to pay out of my wheel realignment budget, which currently stands at $10,000.

  2. Lol Al, good stuff! We have enormous potholes out here too. We don’t have bad weather and plows ripping up our roads, just a completely inept city government that have let things rotted for years. Be careful out there!

  3. Bwhahahahaha Al!!! I think you do take gold for those events. I don’t have to traverse potholes in the country. Our gravel roads just get very rutty and we kind of feel like we are driving the “moguls” Perhaps you could start a whole new realm of Olympic events rooted in everyday life?

    • I think you’ve hit on something there, Faye. Life itself is basically an Olympics, is it not? I think you already have the gold wrapped up for the event: “getting up at 5 in the morning on a cold, dark, snowy winter day to gather eggs.” Personally, I’m thinking of entering the “two hour nap” event. May not medal, but it’s taking part that matters, right?

  4. Here in the land of almost perpetual winter, our ‘Super G Pothole Slalom’ events take place in the summer. In the winter our potholes fill with ice and snow – which makes our roads perfect venues for ‘Car Curling’. Calgary recently recorded the most cars in the house, with a 40 car pile-up…

  5. Al, I too have participated in this pothole event. My challenge came totally unexpectdly driving back from a delicious dinner in Bethlehem at 9:30 at night. The “ hole to China “ was in a very unsafe section of Allentown. My tire immediately went flat. I pulled over. I felt like I was thrust into the movie Bonfire of the Vanities. After finally contacting AAA and telling the woman on the phone that I was alone in a totally unsafe place all she said was , “Well it’ be 11 before anyone can get there. Soon I hear male voices behind my car. Not good. Think they had a flat too. Called my son who thankfully was home. He rushed over. While waiting for the truck he ended up changing the tire. Soon as he finished the truck shows up. So happy to pay for AAA for years and then get this lousy treatment. Call it “one” for the potholes of the world.

    • That is a very chilling story, worthy of at least a individual bronze medal for you and a team gold medal for you and Chad! AAA should be banished from the games forever!

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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