I’ll see your horned melon and raise you one donut!

Our oldest granddaughter, Katie, is living with us this summer. It’s quite an experience for me living with a vegetarian. Who am I kidding, it’s one big guilt trip!

This youngun’ is one of the healthiest eaters I have ever seen. She leaves Patty in her dust, though she also eats extremely healthy, although not a vegetarian. But for me, the world’s most shameless eater of all foods unholy, it is a daily reminder that the food pyramid is only a distant memory of my squandered youth.

Now I try to sneak around in the kitchen before she awakens to eat my breakfast of choice, cookies. Katie’s will consist of an everything-free bowl of cereal smothered with vitamin-giving strawberries, blueberries and almond milk..

And those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I use to slowly savor during the noon hour? Well, I must hastily devour those  before she arrives to make her lunch, usually a quinoa and vegetable casserole made from goosefoot weed found only in the high Andes. At dinner she leads with an array of fruit and then varied vegetables fried in some health anoiting oil from far away lands.

Extra credit: A free one year subscription to my blog for anyone who can identify these alien looking objects.

And snacks. What happened to my potato chips and pretzels? All I can find now are rice crackers wrapped in seaweed!

As it turns out, all these health foods come in bulky boxes and resealable packages. Looking for yummy chocolate chip morsels in the cupboard becomes hazardous. I’m begging for a paper cut. Below are just a few.

When did food storage become a contact sport?

The refrigerator is another casualty of healthy gurus. Packed to the gills with “must refrigerate” items. Try finding a a pre-prepared bowl of harmless, chocolate pudding amidst shelf upon shelf of oriental dishes and vitamin fruit drinks and seemingly hundreds of different types of lettuce? Shouldn’t comfort food have priority?

OK, maybe I’m being petty, but where’s a guy supposed to store his pizza slices and buttered bread rolls for breakfast the next day?







36 thoughts on “I’ll see your horned melon and raise you one donut!

  1. I am not sure about this vegan stuff, but I do need to eat healthier and eat less of it. i think that is the key or rather the kiwi – which is the only fruit I recognize…. which oddly means that a lot of carbon was expended getting those fruits where they landed. just sayin’ – oh and BTW popped over here from Jansen Schmidt’s blog. Have a great day!

  2. All right…. I love free stuff but I only recognize a kiwi, papaya and a mango….at least I think that is what they are.
    Not sure if you have ever heard of Mark Lowry? He sings with the Gaithers but has put out some Christian comedy stuff. I love his quote about eating the tasty stuff…”die young and make a pretty corpse.”
    I do like my veggies but unfortunately I also really really like cream cheese, milk chocolate, tortilla chips and salsa. Pretty sure that is not on the healthy list.
    I also love to bake so I try to make the tasty stuff when people come over so I can send some home with them.

    • Very good, Faye. The other two are dragon fruit (reddish one) and horned melon (kiwano).

      Based on some of your posts, it would be a delight to spend some time in your kitchen sampling your baking!!

  3. Very timely post, Al.
    I can’t claim to be a health food ‘nut’ and will be even less so when I get to the ‘terminal’ stage of life. I will announce that my diet will be chocolate everything. Also maybe some carrot cake with cream cheese. Tim’s Iced Capps every afternoon at 3:30 PM sharp. Pinot Grigio at dinner time. Ice cream before bed.

  4. I want that one-year free subscription so here are my guesses (which I think are correct) on the fruits in the photo: dragonfruit, kiwano, kiwi, mango, and guava. Yes, I have seen all of these, and yes, I have eaten all of these. But, I have them along with my cheetos, Hawaiian pizza, BBQ pork sliders, French fries and bacon.

    I feel your pain though. I always wonder how the granola people get enough protein in their diets. They always look so gaunt and weak to me.

    Anyway, let me know if I’m a winner on that free subscription. I really, REALLY want it.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

  5. I share your pain. I have been forced due to various small but still important health issues to become a healthy eater…and healthy grocery store shopper. But some habits are hard to break…. thus my only defense is to not allow the naughty food inside the house…which means whatever I buy for the grandchildren to eat has to go home with them… which is more along the lines of mini-oreo cookies and not carrot sticks!

  6. You have my sympathy! My daughter is vegan and just left after an eight week visit. The guilt about killed me, every time I sank my teeth into anything containing commercial milk. I have no guilt about eating the eggs and beef we raise ourselves, but everything else … ouchie. And now I can’t turn around without tripping over yet another article about how we’re all gonna DIE unless we switch to plant-based eating and … Oh well, at least there will always be Ben & Jerry – their vegan ice cream is as good as the regular stuff, AND they don’t use slavery or kill orangutans in the process of making dang good ice cream.

    • It’s a fine line, Dor. On one hand should eat healthy to stay healthy. On the other hand, at our age we want to enjoy our remaining time to the utmost. That means indulging ourselves! Now you’ve made me long for a good crispie french fry right now!

  7. So funny Al! How wonderful to have your granddaughter with you this summer, sounds like Grandpa is on a bit of a learning curve! Who knows, perhaps you will feel so good after ingesting all those good veggies that you will not feel the need to source those unhealthy snacks…hahahaha!

  8. Haha! Al, that’s so funny! I have been a vegetarian for the last couple of years or so, but I can’t say I’m as healthy as your granddaughter!! My vices are crisps (potato chips), wine, and dark chocolate! …What are the yellow spiky fruits?!
    Sending you a smile 🙂

    • Well, you and Katie will have something in common to talk about, if she ever gets around to contacting you. The yellow fruits are called horned melons, hence the title of this post.

    • Agreed, Anna. I kinda like enjoying the fun parts and ignoring the rest. Thank you for visiting. There’s a lot more giggles where those came from.

  9. Lol! My son’s girlfriend is vegetarian and he rarely eats meat. We just visited them in LA where we had lots of fun meals. They did make room for ice cream from Salt and Straw and enjoyed my box of chocolate chip, raisin, pecan cookies. I wish I had kept a few around…So does Danny!

  10. Sign in my kitchen:” Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.” A friend asked me if I ate vegetables and I answered that I ate potatoe chips and corn, as long as it was made into Fritos. I understand.

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