Dateline: December 2011 —- Mass pardon granted by President Obama! After an exhaustive investigation, during which the entire incarcerated population of mass murderers in U.S. was interviewed, pardons have been granted to nearly all of them. The criterion for release was merely a straightforward question to the convicted felons, to wit: “Did you ever, prior to committing the crime for which you are now serving sentence, listen to or read any statements made by Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin or any Fox News commentator?” An astonishing 99.99% admitted that they had. It should be noted that “I’m not sure, maybe!” was considered an affirmative response. Since the overwhelming success this year of the “political rhetoric” defense in courtrooms across the land, Obama mused “it’s obvious that these convictions were in error.” One prisoner, who was pretty much incoherent, but did manage to say he was a fan of MSNBC, was not pardoned but instead transferred to a mental hospital to serve out his sentence.
Dateline: July 2036 —– At long last, the remaining vestiges of Conservatism have been expunged from history books. This arduous task, taken on in the spirit of volunteerism by the staff of Moveon.org, was finally completed this month. To avoid any claims of revisionist history, not all names of conservative leaders have been stricken, but any reference to them has to be followed by the words “the capitalist pig.” In keeping with this new manifesto, the aircraft carriers USS Ronald Reagan, USS George H. W. Bush and USS Dwight D. Eisenhower have been renamed USS Michael Moore, USS Vladimir Lenin and USS Rahm Emanuel, respectively.
Dateline: August 2068 —- It’s official, global warming has been eradicated! After decades of selfless dedication Al Gore, the 120-year old former Vice-President, can rest easy. Through his diligent efforts at convincing the country, nay, the world, that self-deprivation was the only way to combat this human caused blight, the victory was achieved. The last moment of any temperatures recorded above zero anywhere on earth was in July 2065 in Mozambique where it reached a balmy 2 degrees. In his statement, Gore regaled the effort as “worth every tireless moment and 927 quadrillion CO2 emissions that I have spent addressing it.” In a moment of unbridled nostalgia Gore, barely audible at his advanced age, whispered “remember when we use to drive around in those gol darn polluting machines, you know, those whatchamacallits, at which point he was whisked away in his horse and sleigh to attend bingo night at the home. In related news, the National Geographic Special, “Ice Skating the Amazon” has been rescheduled for Friday at 9:00PM on the NGEO channel.
Dateline: June 2084 —– No homicides in last 73 years! It has been 73 years since the Constitution was declared null and void and conservative political speech was banned outright. Noting the obvious correlation, U.S. President Pedro Gonzalez stated that since right wing commentators were removed from the airways, the country has a zero murder rate. It was thought that a murder had occurred in 2059 but it turned out to be justifiable homicide since the victim was an avowed member of the Republican underground. Democratic President-for-life Gonzalez, who was born and raised in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico and is working on becoming an American citizen, applauded the efforts of everyone involved in this amazing statistic. He elaborated, saying “I would like especially to thank all the parents, both #1s and #2s, for their diligence in making sure their children were instilled with Utopian ideals and became a contributing part of the commune. Remember, it takes a village.”