You won’t believe this! I just got an email from a lady in Malaysia who wants to give me 40 million dollars! Unbelievable! Sorry for all the exclamation points but this is exciting!

This lady, let’s call her Helen (because that’s her name), is the widow of former shipping tycoon, William Crawford, who died in 2009. I goggled him but couldn’t find him. I’m sure that’s because as a philanthropist he wanted to remain anonymous. They have both been altruistic all their lives and now she wants me to help. And she picked me out of everyone else on earth! (There’s that exclamation point again, sorry – I’m working on that). I guess she knows that I’m a really, really good guy. Did one of you tell her that?

Poor Helen has now found out she is dying from Leukemia and has only days to live. She desperately needs my help. Unfortunately, (and this is really sad) they were unable to have children in their 25 years of marriage. Further, she is afraid of the greedy vultures that are her late husband’s relatives. Damn those greedy relatives, I hate people like that, don’t you? According to Helen, they are bourgeois people who would squander the money with ill-conceived ventures.  Of course they would.  That’s what the bourgeois do. She wants to donate the funds to me so that I can set up a Crawford’s Orphanage and Children’s Homes Trust Fund with the $40 million. I can do that. How can you say no to someone named Helen?

Anyway, between us, although I will definitely set up the trust after she is gone, I think $40 million is a bit too much to give to orphans. After all, they don’t even know how to spend money do they? Don’t they really need parents instead? What am I missing here? I’ll decide later how much to give them but there won’t be that much left after taking out the Trustee’s commission.

All I need to do to get this in motion is to contact her lawyer, Barrister Paul Wesley. After I send him my SSN and my bank and investment account numbers (strictly for him to see if I have managed money well) they will forward the funds to me. I mean, if you can’t trust someone called Barrister Paul Wesley, who can you trust?

Got to run now, there’s an email coming in from some prince in Nigeria who also needs me to help him with his money. He must have spoken to Helen. This is awesome!