1:05 pm: Wife and husband finish delicious lunch. Wife says to husband, “Our windows need treatment.”
1:06: Husband responds, “There’s psychologists for windows?”
1:07: Wife explains what window treatments are.
1:21: Wife finishes measuring 3 windows and says, “so, shall we go shopping for blinds?”
1:21: Husband, in a moment of weakness that defies all reason and is surely the result of a temporary minor stroke, says yes.
1:30: Pair foolishly sets out on quest the day before Super Bowl. Traffic is one or two cars away from complete gridlock as revelers are out searching for beer, snacks and 99″, 3-D, flat screen TVs for the coming event.
2:00: One-half hour and 5 miles later husband says, “Here’s Lowes, they’ve got the best selection.” (Husband chortles silently to himself about how clever he is because Home Depot, their original destination, is 1 mile and 4 traffic lights farther.)
2:05: Pair enter section of Lowes called Window Treatments. Who knew?
2:06: Very nice salesperson approaches and says, “May I help you?”
2:06:15 Husband responds, “We need blinds for these three windows, here are the measurements, how soon can you put these in?”
2:06:30: Wife says, “Have a seat dear, I’ll handle this.”
2:07: Husband sits down, fully expects wife to be done in 10-15 minutes.
2:22: First 15 minutes are taken up by questions alone. Ex: Horizontal or vertical? Slats or honeycomb cells? If slats, straight or “S” curve? If honeycomb, how many cells? Lift or pull? From the top or bottom? Clear, light filtering or darkening? Cord or cordless? What type of wand? etc. etc. etc.
2:23: Husband senses another stroke coming on.
2:23 – 3:10: Discussion of aforementioned questions and perusal of seventeen, 20″ thick sample books, each weighing no less than 4 metric tons.
3:11: Sales person finally asks, “What color?” Husband thinks to himself, “at last, an easy question.”
3:11: Wife responds, “white.”
3:11: Salesperson asks, “Ivory, eggshell, vanilla, seashell, magnolia, pearl, white wine or Isabelline?”
3:12: Husband takes out pocket knife and makes slitting gesture across wrist.
3:12: Wife wisely suggests husband do some “manly” shopping while waiting.
3:13: Husband agrees, delights at idea of looking for door stops.
3:16: Husband returns with door stops.
3:16: Wife tells revived husband, “we’re almost done.”
3:17: Salesperson gets off phone from placing order and says, “sorry, the one you picked has just been discontinued.”
3:17: Husband reaches for pocketknife.
3:17: Wife quickly says to husband, “why don’t you go over there and pick out a nice area rug for your office?”
3:17: Husband, seeing cute blond in mini-skirt in carpet area, agrees.
3:19: Burly boyfriend of blond arrives.
3:19: Husband loses interest in carpet shopping.
3:20: Husband returns, finally gets bright idea of writing blog about window treatments and sits down to write notes.
4:00: Wife and husband finally place order, leave.
4:02: Husband proceeds immediately to liquor store on way home.