The secret to getting into my pants.

OK, you perverts, it’s not what you think. In fact, this is about the least sexual post you’ll ever read. Probably, if you’re in the forty-something or younger group, this will also be the most boring post you will ever read. Fifty-somethings and over, you may do well to take notes. (I use that as the cutoff since, after 50, you start getting reams of notices to join AARP, and who knows better about aging than those good folks.)

Anyway, back to my original thought process. As I aged, I soon became aware that my self-proclaimed Adonis body took on more of a Humpty-Dumpty aspect. My bullet-proof exterior suddenly morphed into something more akin to a hemophiliac. Those times I used to shrug off the bumps and bruises of my macho lifestyle are gone and they now seem more like the throes of impending doom.

Anyone who has gone through the beginning stages of aging knows that falling is the single most fearful event. It is not only a painful experience, but usually becomes debilitating and changes lives forever. It is something I am constantly aware of and try very hard to be proactive about. I first realized this tendency back in my early 50’s when I noticed I was actually using the stair railings as I walked up and down. Yes, that man-ape that used to pretend he was king of the jungle as he bounded up or down two stairs at a time was now holding on to the railing for dear life. And so it was that I became acutely aware of the dangers of just walking around. Elementary, everyday tasks now appeared to be fraught with peril. Not the least of which is changing pants.


It’s always good to have a spotter working with you.

Just recently, and on other occasions, I nearly fell and cracked my skull while trying to complete this once simple act. Fortunately, I’m in very good health, but I do have more than my share of back problems. Therefore, the lithe, supple life form that used to be able to change clothes literally on the run, now treats changing pants as an Olympic event of sorts. Medals in this category are awarded primarily on the degree of difficulty:

Bronze – sitting on the bed to avoid any possibility of trauma.
Silver – standing, but holding on to a wall and dropping the pants to the floor as you step out of them.
Gold – removing your pants one leg at a time in the standing position.


Shoes and socks first? This man must really want that medal bad!

So now you know about the trials and tribulations that abound as I so graciously approach the golden years of life. I’d go kicking and screaming into that good night, but I’m too worried about falling down.

25 thoughts on “The secret to getting into my pants.

  1. I never thought much about it until I read this post, Al, but I do find myself leaning against the bed now to put on my slacks. Balancing on one leg, as I used to always do, isn’t a safe idea anymore. And I hold onto my bannister for dear life, too. Falling and breaking something is a still painful memory!

  2. Oh my, I haven’t yet learned this. This past summer I took a day off and took my four-year old grandson to a local ‘dinosaur’ park. They had a HUGE jungle gym made of rope, it looked like a giant dome. I climbed to the top, hauling my grandson with me. πŸ™‚ Then I climbed down, took his picture and climbed back up and got him. GOD I love climbing! I think I might have been a monkey in a previous life. πŸ™‚

  3. At least you can get into your pants. I switched to elastic waistbnds.

    As for troubles, poor David has developed a fugal infection in the worst possible place making pants very uncomfortable. He never goes to the gym or anywhere else he could contract it. At 83, I know he’s not fooling around either.

  4. As a guy who gave his head a good bang this year, and lived to tell the tale, but in a slightly foggy and concussed way, I urge you to go carefully up and down those stairs. Having said that, I suspect you have more than a few active years in you yet. Age is just a number in the end. Now where are my glasses.

    • I actually thought about you when I was writing this, although I didn’t know the circumstances. Glad you recovered nicely. It sure didn’t affect your flair with the quill and pen.

  5. can you please explain

    And on a serious note

    Strength and balance training

    Research has shown that older people who take part in regular strenagth and balance training are less likely to have a fall.

    Many community centres and local gyms offer specialist training programmes for older people. Exercise programmes that can be carried out at home are also available. To find out about the services that are available in your local area, contact your local primary care trust (PCT).

    There is also evidence that taking part in regular sessions of tai chi can help to reduce the risk of falls. Tai chi is a Chinese martial art that places special emphasis on balance, co-ordination and movement. However, unlike other martial arts, tai chi does not involve physical contact or rapid physical movements, making it an ideal activity for older people.

    Read more about how to improve your strength and balance and physical activity guidance for older adults.


    • 1. AARP American Association of Retired Persons. They publish a periodical and offer many benefits to senior citizens, not the least of which is lobbying Congress for the rights of the elderly.

      2. spotter – the person who stands over body builders who are lifting heavy weights while lying on their backs. The spotter can grab the weight if the lifter starts having trouble with it.

      3. You really took me seriously. Actually, I was serious, but trying to inject a little humor (better luck next time on that). Thank you for the references to better balance and strength. I do some stretching exercises and walk 3-4 miles every day which helps a lot. My main concern is not paying attention and/or tripping over something….just the dumb stuff that causes accidents.

      Now it’s your turn again. What is a primary care trust? We have primary care doctors.

      • An attempt at defining a primary care trust (PCT): Primary care is defined as the care you receive from the first people that you normally see when you have a health problem. This can be a visit to a doctor or a dentist, an optician for an eye test, or just a trip to your pharmacist to buy cough medicine. Also included as primary care are local NHS walk-in centres and the NHS Direct phone line service.

        In England, these services are all managed by local a Primary Care Trust (PCT), which is a statutory body that is part of the NHS.

  6. I know what you mean about the stairs. My “progressive” glasses don’t help either…they make me a little ditsy or dizzy or dazzled or something. Oh, at when out, I use the elevator cause I have three floors here at Ocean Crest and don’t need any more leg exercizes. Always use railings tho…especially at church where there is this very old and steep winding and skinny staircase going down to coffee hour. No more heels either, like June Cleaver. As for putting on boots and sneakers, I’m already sitting on the floor for that project.

    • Another closet “floor dresser” comes out. Just one more thing we have in common Cindy Lou.

      P.S. I was looking at some Angel Flight reunion pictures on the OC site. Didn’t see you. You were always Pi Sig’s favorite.

  7. In our little house we only have four steps…yet we still have a handrail and I use it! always….
    To put on pants I always sit down…that way I can thread one foot through at a time and not fall about the room.
    If for some reason It becomes necessary for me to get on all fours on the floor, I have to crawl over to a solid item of furniture to get myself hauled up again.
    Yes, age has a lot to answer for….even going for a walk in the snow means grabbing for the walking stick.

    Tis true that I am not getting any younger…my body knows that…but my mind is still in my 20’s. However there is one bonus to age…i can damn well say what I like!

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