Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions…2013

Yes, once again it’s time for Big Al’s fearless prognostications for the coming year. You already know that 2013 will be a better year for TV watching because there will be no elections, but what about the things you don’t expect to happen? Don’t worry, Big Al has your back. The following privileged information is open to all readers except those who have been keeping track of the accuracy of my predictions for 2012.

January 2013 – President Obama and Speaker Boehner will finally settle their stalemate over the dreaded “fiscal cliff” negotiations by playing a winner-take-all golf match. When Obama wins, Joe Biden will be overheard to say: “this is a big f—ing deal!”

February 2013 – The Super Bowl will be called off after it is learned that neither club can field a full team due to drug suspensions and players serving jail time. CBS will not be deterred and will instead present a four-hour halftime show.

March 2013 – Bowing to international pressure, Iran will stand down from its production of nuclear weapons of mass destruction and instead concentrate on producing radioactive matzoh balls which will be secretly shipped to Israel.

April 2013 – Facing a critical point in its financial meltdown, the European Union will expel Greece from among its ranks. When asked to enumerate the reasons for this drastic move, the head of the European Commission, Portugal’s Jose Manuel Barroso, simply says: “I can’t, they’re all Greek to me.”

May 2013 – With the Kentucky Derby looming and 35 years having passed since racing’s last Triple Crown winner, the commissioner of the National Thoroughbred Racing Association announces his  plan to stem the lagging interest in the sport. He states that only one horse will be entered in the three events this year. While this will guarantee an end to the Triple Crown drought, it will also bankrupt Churchill Downs, Pimlico Race Track and Belmont Park as all betting tickets turn out to be winners. Immediately after the last race, an election is held to replace the outgoing commissioner.

June 2013 – With the price of gas rising to $49.99 per gallon, millions of hapless Americans will change their vacation habits by buying Microsoft’s newly announced software offering, appropriately titled “Virtual Vacation.” By putting on the special goggles that come with the program, you will be taken on a two-hour, 3-D tour of “Xanadu”, Bill Gates palatial 66,000 sq. ft. mansion in Washington State. When queried about what the expected price of the software will be, Gates responds: “your last dime.”

July 2013 – Because of John Boehner losing his golf match with Obama in January by missing an easy 2-foot putt on the last hole, Obama’s new “tax the rich” plan will go into effect this month. Straying far from Obama’s pledge defining the rich as those making over $250,00 per year, the new tax law language now defines the rich as being “anyone with money left over after the monthly bills.”

August 2013 – With the summer heat wave ominously entering its 2nd day, man-made global warming advocates clamor for increasing the carbon tax another 400%. Al Gore, spokesman for the group, states: “since hurricane Sandy in 2012, we have seen global temperatures rise another 0.00000000016 of a degree, a clear indication that Americans are still doing as I do and not as I say!” He also calls for a substantial increase in the recently imposed $100 fine for anyone caught passing gas.

September 2013 – Due to recent passage of the nationwide law decriminalizing all hard drugs and changing the “3 strikes and you’re out law” to 10 strikes, the NFL is able to field enough teams to begin their 93rd season. Unfortunately, with referees now demanding the league provide bulletproof vests at its expense, another strike is a possibility.

October 2013 – The pressure from the politically correct activist group “Center for the Prevention of People Having Fun” ultimately results in Halloween being cancelled, citing it as an affront to Zombies everywhere. A spokesman for the group releases a statement praising the decision, saying: “Decaying, putrid corpses have every bit as much right to be free from ridicule as any other minority!”

November 2013 – With a groundswell of groups opposing Thanksgiving as a “vile celebration of the white man’s takeover of native American culture and lands”, Congress gives in to the pressure and officially renames the holiday “Thankstaking.”

December 2013 – In spite of its exclusivity, the government realizes there are just too many Christians in the country to outlaw any reference to Christmas. However, the prevailing mood is in evidence at the annual White House tree lighting ceremony as Obama’s speech refers only to “that dude that allegedly walked on water and did a lot of other cool stuff too.”

26 thoughts on “Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions…2013

  1. So much to look forward to this coming year! And I can say, “I knew it all along,” thanks to you. Guess I’d better make all road trips before June. The grandkids will love celebrating all their birthdays and Christmas in May. Let me know when you get those lottery numbers…

    • I’m glad all my blogging friends appreciate this free service I provide. I could make millions if I sold this information on the open market.

  2. Love your predicted solution to the Triple Crown conundrum. They don’t make horses like they used to, so they have to do something. A one horse race is something we Americans should be used to anyway… 😉

    • Frankly, I haven’t been able to watch it since the “Barbaro” tragedy and then the horse called “Mending Fences” was euthanized right on the track at the Preakness a year later. I just wonder if horses were given a choice, would they choose to run around a track at full speed with someone whipping them? Hmmm…

      • I read Sea Biscuit and am convinced that some horses were born to race. Not all of them, for sure. But some just live for the joy of running against other horses. They don’t need the whip, They just want the jockey to let up on the reins and let them fly.

        I know I was heart-sick about those back-to-back tragedies. When I watch those races, I send out a prayer that all the horses and jockeys make it to the finish line safe and sound. I never bet, so I don’t care who wins. I just love watching those beautiful creatures run.

  3. I enjoyed that stuff about the Super Bowl. That is the kind of chaos which could keep me amused for hours. As for Obama talking “that man2. I’m certain it would be as uplifting as all his speaches

    • I’m not exactly sure but I guess if you ate too many radioactive matzoh balls you would soon be a zombie. As for resolutions, that a whole other blog.

  4. Well, I was almost thrilled the Superbowl would be cancelled. I’d wouldn’t have to sit through Doritos commercials. But…I don’t think I can take the half-time show…even if it’s a half hour. Please look in your magic ball and make football go away (keep the nachos, though)

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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