Well, another few months have passed since this year’s 1st edition. What have those zany folks that walk among us been up to since last we went to press? Let’s find out, shall we?
1. The “sorry teacher, but we ran out of apples” award to the students in a Newport News, VA middle school who were caught trying to poison their teacher by putting hand sanitizer in her tea. The teacher, who was remarkably restrained and calm, stated: “It’s hard to get into an adolescent’s mind. The class I teach was math review, and a lot of them aren’t too keen on math and they don’t really want to be there.” D’ya think?
2. The “first the polar bears and now the humans” award to the 500 people who were stranded on an ice flow that broke away in Latvia. Though most of them were ice fisherman, there were some families that were also carried away. Rescue efforts are still underway. While the “man-made global warming” crowd is sure to pounce on this as further evidence, a snapshot taken at the scene revealed what may uncover foul play as the real reason. See below.
3. The “cut off your nose to spite your face” award to Vladimir Putin, Russia’s President, who banned the adoption of Russian orphans by same-sex couples. Citing the moral ambiguities faced by the children, Putin decided that a Siberian gulag was preferable for the little tykes over a warm loving home that didn’t meet his definition of marriage. However, adoptions continued when gay activists discovered a loophole in the law that allowed for adoption by “full of good cheer” couples.
4. The “one from column A, two from column B” award to the woman in Hooksett, NH who called 911 claiming a medical emergency. When the paramedics arrived at her home, she stated that she simply needed help ordering a Chinese dinner. She was promptly arrested for “misuse of an emergency line” and taken to jail. In spite of this, two hours later, she used her allotted phone call to dial 911 to say she was hungry again.
5. The “excuse me, but could I have a nitro glycerin tablet with those diamond pendants” award to the two men who went into a jewelry store in Oxford, England to rob it. Immediately after smashing some glass cases and confronting the staff (who had dialed 999) one of the robbers, apparently highly nervous about the heist, had a heart attack and collapsed on the floor. Flummoxed, the other robber fled the scene, empty-handed. Police arrived and called medical which transported the ailing ne’er-do-well to the hospital. In a move reminiscent of liberal America, where criminals have more rights than victims, the government bowed to pressure and a new law was passed requiring all jewelry stores to have defibrillators available to avert this kind of tragedy in the future.
6. The: “I really had a tough day at the office!” award to the prostitute in Zimbabwe, Africa who passed out while having sex with her “trick.” In a scenario remindful of the Monty Python sketch “throw out your dead”, the man, thinking she had died, called paramedics who came and promptly declared her dead because her body was so cold. Seemingly, checking for a pulse is not part of the training in Zimbabwe. Anyway, as must be the custom in that part of the world, they put her into a casket forthwith to prepare for burial. She suddenly awoke, bolted up and screamed “You’re trying to kill me!” The astonished yet somewhat offended paramedics retorted, “no, we’re only trying to bury you.”
7. The “PETA can tattoo this” award to the man in North Carolina man who has created huge controversy among animal lovers after tattooing Duchess, his own pure bred pit bull, right on her belly. The man, who was confronted by reporters after he was caught leaving a Mensa meeting, said he did the tattooing after he “anesthetized” the dog. He claims the tattoo, which says “Duchess”, is much like branding cattle so they can be identified. And we wonder why pit bulls have a reputation for being mean.
As always, I’d like to thank the denizens of the world for providing such easy blog fodder and making me feel so superior.
Wacky, Al. (The stories, not you.). I read that story, too, about the poisoning of that math teacher, and the kids got off easy. I can tell you that in our district in Texas, they would have been expelled, arrested, and sent to JJAEP (Juvenile Justice Alternative Education Program, akin to jail.)
Truth is stranger than fiction and your pictures and captions are the BEST! I love these installments, Al. More please… 🙂
Glad you like them. If you would like be featured in one just do something quirky that makes the news. I will keep checking the papers.
Hey, thanks, but I’d just as soon keep my quirky capers under control and only publicize when I want to–like in a book or a blog. 😉
You’re no fun anymore.
Sorry, Al. I am pooped from all the publicity stuff I’m doing for my book. I have my first local reading/book signing next week.
You know I was just kidding. Good luck next week!
Yes, I know you were–just a bit stressed out with all this self-promotion. It’s not my thing.
Thanks for the well-wishes. I’m keeping a positive attitude.
I appreciate this lively round-up of all the big stories I missed. And I particularly enjoyed your use of the word “flummoxed.” I never can see that enough. Great post, Al 🙂
Thanks, Stacia. I feel a duty to keep informed those poor folks so busy with everyday life that they miss these important events.
I like that word too,since it best describes my usual state.
I just heard on the news about the prank that landed a woman in jail here locally. I see you’ve changed your picture. You need a shave, Al.
LOL. Yes, but don’t you like the hair color?
Lol, these read like Aprils fools jokes,
apart from the Maths Teacher one.
As a maths teacher
I don’t find that one funny
Definite fail from me. F
Have you seen these: http://theverybesttop10.com/2013/04/01/office-pranks/
I thought of you as I was writing number one. I’m sure your students are all spellbound and hang on your every equation.
Enjoyed the office pranks.
More like hang themselves….
The Resuscitated Robber has already been contacted by a score of attorneys eager to help him collect his “just deserts” from the heartless jewelers who called the police instead of the paramedics.
I always thought jewelers were an evil bunch. They’ve cost me thousands over the years.
There aren’t enough Maltesers in the world that would make me tattoo a pit bull. Thanks for the round up!
I report, you decide.