President to visit 58th state?

This just in! With the surprise announcement that the northern agricultural counties of Colorado are seriously considering a petition for secession so they can form their own state, President Obama may soon be visiting his 58th state.

Citing oppressive and restrictive regulations imposed on their area of Colorado, the local leaders are seriously contemplating forming a new state called “North Colorado.” In a not totally unexpected Lincolnesqe move, the Governor of Colorado is calling for volunteers from the various militias to form a “confederate” army to engage these rebel counties of the north. The obviously irritated governor, munching on a bag of Fritos, stated: “We’re drawing a line in the snow! If these insufferably silly state secessionist should succeed, it could spell the end of a very important supply source for the rest of Colorado, a less than vague reference to the recent legalization of hemp in the Centennial state.


To make matters worse, several counties from neighboring Nebraska have indicated they might like to join in the effort. If that were the case, local officials have indicated the name of the new state might be changed to “Cannabis.” Reporters tried to reach residents of the affected counties in Nebraska for comment this afternoon, but they were all asleep at the time. However, the governor of Nebraska was available for comment and upon hearing the news, replied: “We border Colorado? Really, who knew?”

In the meantime, citizens of southern Colorado are incensed. When interviewed, a retired school administrator in Arvada, a suburb of Denver stated: “This change would leave Wyoming as the only square state in the union. Those cowboys are uppity enough to live with without giving them this geographical honor.” Secretly, the White House was not as concerned about this as they already had enough difficulty telling them apart.

However, the Federal government is closely watching the situation, concerned that this may just be the tip of the iceberg. Rumblings have already been heard from just south of D.C. about the coastal counties of Virginia looking into forming a new state called “East Virginia” and applying for basketball membership in the ACC.

20 thoughts on “President to visit 58th state?

  1. Pingback: Ireland, The Sequel | Day One

  2. In a related announcement, the citizens in the middle of the great state of Illinois, citing irreconcilable differences with the foreign lands at their north and south ends (ie Chicagoland and St.Louisland), will link up with North Colorado via high speed monorail to form the new state of Illbraskorado.

    • Due to the distance (not to mention the three states in between) you’d have to become East Illbraskorado and West Illbraskorado. Hope this doesn’t really happen, I’m having a helluva time typing that name.

  3. I agree with whoever is worried about square states, Al. They are important to the design of our country and we can’t mess around with them.

  4. A decent cup of tea in America? You’ve got to be kidding.

    When I was in the navy we sailed passed the Hebrides. Of course, due to the rain, we couldn’t see them.

  5. Of course, I’m not too sure where any of these states are but it sounds as if those participating in this debate all need a decent cup of tea and an unlimited access to the annual rainfall statistics in the outer Hebrides( a small parcel of Islands off Scotland ). This might both sooth and bore them into a state able to accept the status quo and stop making so much racket.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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