This just in! With the surprise announcement that the northern agricultural counties of Colorado are seriously considering a petition for secession so they can form their own state, President Obama may soon be visiting his 58th state.
Citing oppressive and restrictive regulations imposed on their area of Colorado, the local leaders are seriously contemplating forming a new state called “North Colorado.” In a not totally unexpected Lincolnesqe move, the Governor of Colorado is calling for volunteers from the various militias to form a “confederate” army to engage these rebel counties of the north. The obviously irritated governor, munching on a bag of Fritos, stated: “We’re drawing a line in the snow! If these insufferably silly state secessionist should succeed, it could spell the end of a very important supply source for the rest of Colorado, a less than vague reference to the recent legalization of hemp in the Centennial state.
To make matters worse, several counties from neighboring Nebraska have indicated they might like to join in the effort. If that were the case, local officials have indicated the name of the new state might be changed to “Cannabis.” Reporters tried to reach residents of the affected counties in Nebraska for comment this afternoon, but they were all asleep at the time. However, the governor of Nebraska was available for comment and upon hearing the news, replied: “We border Colorado? Really, who knew?”
In the meantime, citizens of southern Colorado are incensed. When interviewed, a retired school administrator in Arvada, a suburb of Denver stated: “This change would leave Wyoming as the only square state in the union. Those cowboys are uppity enough to live with without giving them this geographical honor.” Secretly, the White House was not as concerned about this as they already had enough difficulty telling them apart.
However, the Federal government is closely watching the situation, concerned that this may just be the tip of the iceberg. Rumblings have already been heard from just south of D.C. about the coastal counties of Virginia looking into forming a new state called “East Virginia” and applying for basketball membership in the ACC.