When the full moon happens, you turn into a person who’s the opposite of who you normally are. Describe this new you.
“Don’t people ever get tired of giving out awards?” I pondered, as my spouse assisted me with the bow tie of my tux for the umpteenth time. I never could master that difficult task. Secretly though, I felt an unmistakable sense of pride at being named Time’s “Person of the Year” for the fifth straight year. Since my two terms as POTUS had expired, I had devoted most of my time to altruistic endeavors. Solving world hunger was behind me now, even though one of my PhD’s, the one in agricultural and chemical engineering, allowed me to still dabble in it occasionally.
As my wife (a former Miss America and the first woman CEO of Exxon/Mobil) readied for the evening’s festivities, I was drawn over toward the mantle and noticed some dust on my Heisman Trophy. I carefully whisked it off and as I did, a glint caromed off one of my Super Bowl rings. As if time had suddenly reversed itself, memories of playing in 12 Pro Bowls came flooding back. Though I was a bit too advanced in age now for contact sports, I was more than mildly content at just being a scratch golfer and winning the U.S. Amateur twice. A humbling sport, golf.
However, the experience I had acquired from football had served me well toward advancing my invention of the concussion proof helmet. I knew right away it was revolutionary, but even I was surprised when it won the Nobel prize for Scientific Improvement in Human Safety. TechSports, the sports equipment company I founded as a result, was a resounding success, although once again I was taken aback when it was revealed I had surpassed Bill Gates as America’s richest person.
Some say it was this, as much as my fourth award as “Business Person of the Year” from Business Week magazine, that had propelled me into the White House. Regardless, I gladly served and though I found those 8 years a bit constraining, I was proud of balancing the budget, eliminating 85% of the tax code, establishing a lasting peace in the Mid-east, reducing our national debt to 24 dollars and 37 cents and eradicating homelessness. I’m not the “scorekeeper” type, but I’m told that this is the first time in history that every one of a President’s legislative proposals received unanimous approval from both houses of the legislature.
Satisfied that I had won three of my legal arguments before the Supreme Court after attaining my law degree and bar license online, I humbly turned down the nomination from my successor for Chief Justice of that esteemed body. However, I still follow their rulings with great interest.
Well, we must away if we are not to be late for the ceremony. As I take just enough time to notice the beautiful full moon settling outside the bay window, I abruptly recall the harrowing events of the last of my three trips there for NASA. But that’s a story for another time.
Walter Mit….Al Hood