This just in….NYPD and NYFD maim each other for charity.

In  an altruistic move rarely seen in this day and age, members of the New York City police and fire departments got together for a last man standing charity event to inflict pain and suffering on each other somewhat akin to what they see in their everyday jobs.

Under the guise of an annual friendly hockey match to benefit the New York Police and Fire Widows’ and Children’s Benefit Fund, the two departments, long time rivals both professionally and politically, squared off with hockey sticks and fists to try to render each other unconscious or otherwise severely disabled. Improbably, during the melee an actual hockey game broke out which the police eventually won 8-5, ending the amazing run of five straight victories for the fire department. In one unbelievable incident, fireman Brent “The Seamstess” Calihan, the department’s top EMT was gouged in the face with a stick which left a 6 inch bleeding gash. Rather than leave the ice, Calihan stitched up his own wound on the run and, incredibly, got an assist on the ensuing goal.

While the exact toll of permanent brain damage and internal injuries is as yet unknown, it is believed the long-standing 1982 record of hospital admissions was shattered. When asked if this event may have embarrassed both departments in the public eye, officer Theodore “Tootie” Muldoon, whose father was a well-known figure in the police department in the 50’s, responded “actually, we felt mutilating one another was a good way to take the public’s attention off the ongoing corruption and mismanagement rampant in both departments.”

For their part, the media is already dubbing the unfortunate happening as “The Knockout Game on Ice”, an obvious reference to the recent felonious assault game taking place on the streets of New York.”

When reached for comment, New York mayor Bill de Blasio stated: “All in all, the game was a great success. Not only was money raised, but pending doctors’ updates, it appears that no additional widows or orphan children were added to the roles as a result.”

Plans for next year’s event are already in the works as it has been reported that Madison Square Garden is vying to host the event and has agreed to triple the size of the penalty box as further incentive.


15 thoughts on “This just in….NYPD and NYFD maim each other for charity.

  1. And playing in the background was…”New York, New York. It’s a hell of a town! When the cops and firemen rumble, the crime rate, mostly arson, never goes down. New York, New York. It’s a hell of a toooooowwwwnnnnnn!!!!!!”

  2. Wow! At least if they get out all their aggression on the pitch then they don’t have to send hit squads round to kill each other off during the working day…. That is what sport is all about isn’t it?
    I do remember not getting a nuclear bomb dropped on me during the Cold War when the Olympics were held in Moscow & LA… So it must work!

    • Actually, I think the whole thing started when the police players tried to arrest the fireman players for “high sticking” during the game.

  3. Obviously the combatants, er, athletes, misunderstood the point of the match to be to CREATE widows and orphans, not BENEFIT them. Totally understandable.

    • Next year’s event has already been changed to a charity match between the widows and the orphans to raise bail money for this years participants.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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