I retired to a full time job……

Yes, I now work full-time again……in healthcare…..my own.

There were a few signs that finally convinced me that I was a slave to the healthcare industry:

My contact list is overwhelmingly populated by the phone numbers of doctors, healthcare facilities, insurance carriers and pharmacies.

My online calendar has such a preponderance of medical appointments and follow-ups that it far more resembles a hospital employee’s monthly work assignment than my personal to-do list.

My Sunday mornings are taken up with refilling the weekly AM/PM pill dispenser with prescription drugs and supplements.

Maybe the best way to explain this to you is to let you listen in on a conversation we might have on any given morning:

Wife: Good morning! How are you feeling today?

Me: Well, I couldn’t get back to sleep last night after I got up to let the dogs out. This darn insomnia.

Wife: Sorry, honey. Perhaps you should increase your melatonin supplement.

Me: I’m afraid to do that, I think it might be contributing to those headaches I’ve been getting. Guess I should renew that migraine prescription.

Wife: Oh, those are terrible, I know. What would you like for breakfast? 

Me: Can’t eat. I’m fasting due to the blood work for the quarterly checkup with the GP later this morning. I’m hoping that cholesterol medicine is still working well.

Wife: I thought you had an appointment today with the orthopedic guy to get a shot in your arthritic knee? 

Me: No, I changed that. Now he wants to x-ray my bad hip first to see if it’s the same problem. In the meantime, he said to keep up the Glucosamine, Chondroitin, Calcium and Vitamin D supplements.

Wife: When will that be? 

Me: Next week, the day after my cardiologist appointment. 

Wife: Oh, how’s that going?

Me: He’s going to let me know if I need to up my dosage of hypertension medication to correct this irregular heartbeat.

Wife: That reminds me, the Pain Management clinic called and said you should schedule an appointment for the epidural steroid injection for the disk problem that showed up on your MRI.

Me: Good, he’s in the same building as the dermatologist and it’s time for me to get my moles checked out anyway. I’ll try to tie them in together.

Wife: Everything OK now with that eye problem you were having?

Me: I guess so. The ophthalmologist said it’s not uncommon for the lens to cloud over again after cataract replacements. When it gets worse, they’ll fix it with laser surgery.

Wife: I see. What about your follow-up with the neurologist about the fainting spells you had last year?

Me: Good news. Looks like that might have been just a fluke from taking that sleeping pill the night before. She said the brain scan, electroencephalogram, and tilt table test all appeared to be normal.

Wife: Why are you holding your jaw like that?

Me: I think maybe I need to get this tender tooth looked at by the dentist. The cold water really bothers it.

Wife: Oh, before I forget, there’s letter on the table from the gastroenterologist’s office reminding you that it’s coming up time for your three-year colonoscopy procedure. 

Me: Oh, great. I always feel like I’m being abducted by aliens with those things.

Wife: Well, what else do you have planned today, dear?

Me: Oh not much. I do need to change those little batteries in my hearing aids though, have you seen my glasses?

Wife: They’re on the kitchen counter.

Me: What are your plans today?

Wife: I just have to see my doctor to get a refill for my anti-depressant.

16 thoughts on “I retired to a full time job……

  1. Jeez, Al, you sound like my parents! Here’s the secret to not having to deal with all these medical issues: never, ever go to the doctor. Nothing’s wrong if they don’t TELL you something is wrong.

    • You know, you’re right. I guess they kind of have to justify to those insurance companies by finding a problem. Maybe this stuff is all in my head anyway. I could consolidate all these appointments with one appointment with a shrink.

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