You’ve all seen those personality quizzes that appear on Facebook and various other websites. It asks psychological questions and based on your answers it gives your personality traits. They are invariably softball questions like:
Do you prefer yellow, blue or green colors? or
When you wank into a crowded room do you engage people or shy away?
If you found a wallet on the sidewalk, would you search for its owner to return it totally intact?
Without fail, the report comes back with glowing results about what a wonderful person you are. You know them, they look like these examples:
1. You value friendship. Loyalty is one of your strong suits. Interests usually include charity work and community service. You strive to make others happy.
2. You have a vivid imagination. You like to dwell on ideas and then bring them creatively to life. Helping others energizes you. Family is important to you.
3. You have a sparkling personality and other people like being around you. You are sensitive to peoples’ needs so you don’t push yourself on others but when asked, your advice is taken to heart due to the positive spin you put on it.
If you read enough of them you would be convinced that the world is full of nothing but Mother Theresa clones. While that’s nice to imagine, it’s totally unrealistic. And while it may be true in a few instances, owing to today’s emphasis on political correctness, the truth on many of these results is never revealed.
That ends here. Your pal, Al has devised a quiz that gets down to the nitty-gritty. Hard hitting questions like:
Do you often have the urge to tell your neighbor you think he’s an asshole?
When you fart in an elevator, do you laugh, apologize or remain silent?
Do people often call you a whiner?
Do people often say you are needy?
When you walk into a crowded room, does anybody even remotely care?
The early results are in. Below are some of the return comments I have made on some of the test subjects that have taken my quiz. I think you will see it relates more to the true cross-section of people who walk the streets with us. You can thank me later.
1. What in the world ever made you think taking this quiz was a good idea? Aside from your laughable answers, your spelling is on a 2nd grade level. Your results can be summed up in one word…….LOSER!
2. I have sent the results of the quiz directly to your local law enforcement. Hiring an attorney would be a good move for you.
3. Thank you for the invitation to your pity party, but fortunately I am going to be busy that day, whenever it is.
4. It’s pretty obvious from your answers that your strong suit is being a bully. Indications are that you will probably move on to capital offense activity in the future. You probably had strict parents but hey, life is a bitch, right?
5. It’s possible you are one of the dullest people alive. Please click on the unsubscribe button at the bottom of the quiz page.
6. Thanks for taking my quiz. Reading your pathetic answers made me realize how fortunate I am to not know you.
So there you are. If you’d like to take this “reality quiz” just put your email address in the comment section. I’ll be happy to send you the link along with the release form which shields me from any civil liability lawsuits.