You’ve all seen those personality quizzes that appear on Facebook and various other websites. It asks psychological questions and based on your answers it gives your personality traits. They are invariably softball questions like:
Do you prefer yellow, blue or green colors? or
When you wank into a crowded room do you engage people or shy away?
If you found a wallet on the sidewalk, would you search for its owner to return it totally intact?
Without fail, the report comes back with glowing results about what a wonderful person you are. You know them, they look like these examples:
1. You value friendship. Loyalty is one of your strong suits. Interests usually include charity work and community service. You strive to make others happy.
2. You have a vivid imagination. You like to dwell on ideas and then bring them creatively to life. Helping others energizes you. Family is important to you.
3. You have a sparkling personality and other people like being around you. You are sensitive to peoples’ needs so you don’t push yourself on others but when asked, your advice is taken to heart due to the positive spin you put on it.
If you read enough of them you would be convinced that the world is full of nothing but Mother Theresa clones. While that’s nice to imagine, it’s totally unrealistic. And while it may be true in a few instances, owing to today’s emphasis on political correctness, the truth on many of these results is never revealed.
That ends here. Your pal, Al has devised a quiz that gets down to the nitty-gritty. Hard hitting questions like:
Do you often have the urge to tell your neighbor you think he’s an asshole?
When you fart in an elevator, do you laugh, apologize or remain silent?
Do people often call you a whiner?
Do people often say you are needy?
When you walk into a crowded room, does anybody even remotely care?
The early results are in. Below are some of the return comments I have made on some of the test subjects that have taken my quiz. I think you will see it relates more to the true cross-section of people who walk the streets with us. You can thank me later.
1. What in the world ever made you think taking this quiz was a good idea? Aside from your laughable answers, your spelling is on a 2nd grade level. Your results can be summed up in one word…….LOSER!
2. I have sent the results of the quiz directly to your local law enforcement. Hiring an attorney would be a good move for you.
3. Thank you for the invitation to your pity party, but fortunately I am going to be busy that day, whenever it is.
4. It’s pretty obvious from your answers that your strong suit is being a bully. Indications are that you will probably move on to capital offense activity in the future. You probably had strict parents but hey, life is a bitch, right?
5. It’s possible you are one of the dullest people alive. Please click on the unsubscribe button at the bottom of the quiz page.
6. Thanks for taking my quiz. Reading your pathetic answers made me realize how fortunate I am to not know you.
So there you are. If you’d like to take this “reality quiz” just put your email address in the comment section. I’ll be happy to send you the link along with the release form which shields me from any civil liability lawsuits.
The Cvillean 
Must admit I’ve never taken one of those personality quizzes on the interwebz. That may be because I am:
1) busy
2) boring
3) skeptical
4) impatient with fools
Pick any and all of the above.
I like blue best, I shy away from others…why I blog…and always apologize if I faart in public. I’ve noticed that if you apologize it only causes others to notice it was you, however, so I’m working on that. As for your revealing answers, I suggest you work on that.
Are you saying I’m not tactful? Then my work here is done.
Everyone, appears tactful compared with The Donald.
Who said ‘for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction’?
I love the idea of an honest quiz, and I agree that quizzes and much else, these days, are more worried about not offending you than giving useful information. I was wondering what my quiz would say to me and the only accurate answer I could think of was, ( and this is a true story) a report some teaching sage wrote on my school report. “Any hope of improvement vanishing rapidly.” I was about eight years old at the time and my mother, bless her, was not cheered by reading it. The following term another teacher wrote, ” Time is running out for Wells. Must learn to take life seriously.”
I’ve always enjoyed that and I never have on some levels but we can’t all be deep space pilots can we. 🙂
Seems I recall hearing about schoolboy reports like that for another Englishman once. Went by the name of Churchill, I believe. He also turned out to be an outstanding author.
Taking life seriously was always a bit of a stretch for me as well. Under my Senior picture in the yearbook in high school the staff chose the following quote: “Life is a jest that has just begun.” Also a true story.
I don’t have any true stories, my teachers loved me, and yes I was a good student. The conclusions about Winston are a bit off. Anyone recall the Dardenelles and know why ANZAC Day is celebrated? See the Mel Gibson film ‘Gallipoli’ for a refresher.
Well, I never…..will, I repeat, well, I never…will, take one of those tests again. Mainly due to the fact if I laugh that hard again I may wet my pants. Oh shucks too late.
signed,
now in grocery store looking for depends
There is a support group for that. It’s an offshoot of Bed-wetters Anonymous. It called “Laughing Makes Me Pee Anonymous.”
There has been a major gap in my education so far, so I would really appreciate the opportunity to take this “reality quiz”. I attach my address below:
Cloud 9
Over the Pond
This side of the Dark galaxy.
That address keeps getting returned as “undeliverable.” Any ideas why?
Might have something to do with the major gap in my education! I need to go back to school.
LOVE IT!!
Great. For the reasonable licensing fee of $1800.00, you can administer the quiz in your local area as well.
I would take this guy’s high praise with a grain of salt, Al. Based on the initials after his name, he may be just buttering you up so he can sell you a big whole life policy.
He’s an old fraternity brother from college. I don’t think he’ll come near me even though they never got a conviction on that insurance fraud charge.
What! You mean those quizzes are false? Here I thought I was pretty much perfect!😂
You are perfect, Lynn. You were smart enough to follow my blog……that’s proof!
Ha! I knew it!😛
Lol..That’s pretty good. I would imagine not everyone can appreciate such honesty however.
So that’s why I don’t get any referrals!
I’ll decline. I’ve never needed to do another personality quiz since the one that told me that if I was a Muppet, I’d be Mr Snuffleupagus. That’s all I needed to know. My life is explained. Thanks anyway.
Hey, that’s a compliment. He was one of my favorites! He and Morty Moot Mope, you know, the poor guy who couldn’t find a rhyme for his name.
Oh, I was happy about it. He was always my favourite. I have a friend who got Big Bird and was so jealous I got Snuffy, she redid the test 13 times until she got Snuffy too. I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work…..
Funny!
Lol. Love those quizzes, especially the ones that say things like, only the smartest 10% of the population…
Know what you mean. If I believed them, I’d too smart even for the Mensa Society. Maybe you and I could start our own genius society?