Unless you’re planning to raise a field of sunflowers instead of grass, you don’t fill your bird feeder when there are 30 mph wind gusts.
The chance you will develop a severe toothache is directly proportional to the time your plane lands on the first day of your vacation.
When you forget to put the cup under the dispenser, coffee, like water, will seek its own level, usually behind the refrigerator .
If you don’t roll up the toothpaste tube as you use it the world will not come to an end, but your marriage might.
Contrary to what Isaac Newton said, what goes up does not necessarily come down. For instance, body weight.
Good writing form is not necessary to get published these days. For instance, my blog.
Cursed is the man who knows naught of a woman’s favor, for neither shall he know of his many faults.
Anyone who says medieval torture is a thing of the past has never had to file taxes.
A man on a highwire has less chance of falling than a 73-year old man on a step stool in his kitchen.
It takes quite a bit of careful study and experience before being able to consistently choose the grocery checkout line that will move the slowest.
You can’t disguise the contemptible top ten list just because you didn’t number it.
Love it! Sharing!
I seem to be on a constant learning curve.
One of mine would be:
It is not quicker to pick up an umbrella clothes drier filled with clothes, run across the garden with it and carry it in through the terrace doors during a storm.
Because what actually happens is: the clothes are already wet thus the weight of three wash loads plus rainwater plus the the drier is not carryable for a mere weak woman so you will lose your balance and drop many of items of clean washing into the growing mud bath around you and then step on them.
The wind will toss toss both you and the hundreds of clothing items, sheets etc from side to side. You will not be able to see where you are going so you will head towards the terrace then stagger back away from the terrace and finally you will reach the terrace by pure accident and then fall up it and land on top of the drier.
The children will look bewildered from the window then attempt to help but get knocked out of the way.
The neighbours will laugh from their windows, and remain fast in their convictions that you are totally weird and they are right to stay the hell away from you.
Finally, covered in mud, soaked to the skin with the help of wide-eyed children you may finally reach the doors but then you will discover that the terrace doors are actually smaller than the open umbrella clothes drier.
Now why didn’t I think of that one?
I can vouch for the toothache on the first day of vacation.
Sometimes they don’t even wait until the wheels have touched. I feel your pain (literally).
I totally relate to the step stool even at my age! Ha!
My wife has banned me from using house ladders and folding ladders greater than 3 steps. I refer to her as the ladder Nazi.
I lkie this post election Al. Yes falling happens. I fell right on my face two days ago. I was protecting my five ribs broken a week or so ago, and fell right down on my chin which is now blue.
Remember, it can even hppen to a macho guy.
Thanks, Diane. However, my machismo went out the door when my chest fell down to my stomach. Kind of hard to puff out your chest from there.
Puffing up and out has never worked for me.
Love this, Al! Brought a wonderful smile to my face 🙂
My work here is done.
All right. Pay very close attention. If you want to get in any line and go faster than anyone (grocery, road or bridge toll, exchanging your gifts, whatever), I know the trick. You have to follow these steps exactly. It’s both a science and an art.
1. Take a deep breath.
2. Scan all available lines.
3. Look for me.
4. Release your breath.
5. Choose any line but the one I’m in.
And Philip and I use different types of toothpaste. Our relationship will not be threatened by Tubegate. Leaving-Cabinate-Doors-Open-Gate. Now, that’s another issue. 😉
What a great idea, Lorna, giving me permission to stalk you like that, and I won’t even have to skulk around the magazine display like I do with the other wom…….er, uh, never mind.
Al, I said DON’T follow me in line. You’re not one of those men who doesn’t listen to women, are you (unless she’s talking about farts, then you’re all ears and … never mind)?
Women, (you excepted) just haven’t learned that if you want our attention, you have to lead off with a fart joke, then you’ve got us!
Excellent list! I’m adept at picking the slowest grocery line too. Must be an age related skill.
They do say experience is the great teacher, don’t they?
The anser is to let your husband do all the shopping.
That toothpaste tube tip could have saved a thousand arguments. Why didn’t I realise that before 🙂
That’s why I’m here, Peter. I live my life so others don’t have to.
Happy New Year my lovely Bro and here’s to one of sparkly moments filled with loving light for you and Patty. xX ❤
That’s a lovely sentiment, Jane. Thank you. How’s that bonding between you and Boris coming?
The stupidity of my actions is directly proportional to how large of an audience I have.
Loved reading this post and I read it to my husband. They are all so true!
Love that one. Wish I had thought of it!
Looks like you’re catching up on a little light reading there. Dr. Seuss was a genius – great plan to start the year out right.
Thanks, Peg. I just got tired of the Nancy Drew series.
Spot on Al – Happy New Year to you and Patty.
Same to youse guys, Jeri, and thanks for following the blog.
A card mailed without a stamp will be returned to sender. You can’t fool the USPS.
Good one, but who would ever do that?
Moi? C’est non!