Wow, November already. With the holiday season coming up, before we know it we’ll be singing Auld Lang Syne. But fear not. Your pal, Al, is here as always with next year’s big headlines so you can concern yourselves with shopping and decorating without worrying about what is to become of us in 2018. Happy reading!
January: Services for Hugh Hefner are finally held over three months after the Playboy Magazine tycoon passes away. Morticians handling the arrangements for the family indicate the delay was due to a problem trying to get a certain part of the late Mr. Hefner’s anatomy back to a more normal state. In addition, it took more time than expected to reduce the smile on the decedent’s face.
February: President Donald Trump’s feud with the NFL over player protests during the playing of the National Anthem is finally settled by agreement between the two sides just prior to the Super Bowl. Players can kneel during the anthem if the winning team agrees to visit the White House. The NFL immediately institutes a new policy that, in the case of tie games, the Super Bowl will no longer go into overtime. For the first time in history, the Super Bowl ends in a tie.
March: Hillary Clinton’s book “What Happened” becomes the all-time best seller in an upscale Manhattan boutique specializing in desk weights and door stops.
April: Jane Fonda, recently self-appointed special envoy to North Korea to help heal fractured relations between the two countries is recently sighted in Pyongyang. Unfortunately, her mission is in trouble, as she is also caught in a video manning the anti-aircraft cannon that Kim Un Jung used to execute his uncle.
May: In a stunning development, all 150 million Caucasian men living in the United States take their own lives, the largest mass suicide in world history! A note is found, signed by all, stating that their guilt over the constant harping on “white privilege” and “male entitlement” became unbearable and they felt compelled to right this wrong. It is further learned that all the minorities left in the country will meet to decide which one of them is the new majority, so they can now be blamed for the plight of the others.
June: With all the many investigations since last year’s election (Russian election conspiracy, former FBI Director James Comey’s bias, Hillary’s server, voter irregularities) concluded, a new Congressional panel is convened to investigate why, for the first time in this century, there are no Congressional investigations underway.
July: After nearly a year of many unsavory sexual harassment claims against Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, one of the most shocking revelations yet, surfaces. Discrediting the idea that Weinstein couldn’t possibly sink any lower, two women from of a leper colony in Punjab, India claim he tried to talk them into a threesome.
August: Democrat Congresswomen Maxine Waters and Frederica Wilson sponsor a bill in Congress that would put a bounty on the head of President Trump. When arrested and indicted by the Secret Service for threatening the President of the United States, their defense lawyers respond by saying the women only meant they wanted a paper towel placed over his head.
September: One of the greatest tennis player ever, Roger Federer, enters the U.S. Open in the women’s division, saying he now identifies as a woman. The closed-minded organizers disqualify Federer as “wrong gender.” Later, as a small concession, he is told he can use the ladies room as mandated by the previous administration.
October: It is ultimately revealed that the Russians did indeed have heavy influence on both sides in last year’s Presidential election. Democrats and Republicans alike, agree that Russian politics are so much more effective than ours that Russia should henceforth become the much needed third-party in American politics. They suggest Russia be given representation in Congress to the tune of two Senators and 300 Representatives, thereby already having a de facto majority in the House.
November: Yet another mountain in North Korea collapses in upon itself due to nuclear weapon testing by their government. Shortly after this news breaks, bloated leader, Kim Un Jung, also collapses in upon himself.
December: Even though “Winter Holiday” has long since replaced the term “Christmas” as the politically correct term to describe this time of year, several pandering members of Congress, still not satisfied, introduce a bill to have the season officially named “That time of the year when some people get more gifts than others, which, of course, isn’t fair.”