This is an update from a post I wrote several years ago. I think now is a good time for its re-emergence.

In this age of political correctness and being more “woke” about those so easily offended by just about everything, I would like to offer an alternative viewpoint for those of us still dealing with real life. No more of those personality quizzes that appear on Facebook and various other websites. You know, the ones asking psychological questions and based on your answers, revealing to you your personality traits. They are invariably softball questions like:

Do you prefer yellow, blue or red colors?

When you walk into a crowded room do you engage people or shy away?

If you found a wallet on the sidewalk, would you search for its owner to return it totally intact?

Without fail, the report comes back with glowing results about what a wonderful person you are. You know them, they look like these examples:

1. While cautious, you value friendship. Loyalty is one of your strong suits. Interests usually include charity work and community service. You strive to make others happy.

2. You have a vivid imagination. You like to dwell on ideas and then bring them creatively to life. Helping others energizes you. Family is important to you.

3. You have a sparkling personality and other people like being around you. You are sensitive to peoples’ needs so you don’t push yourself on others, but when asked, your advice is taken to heart due to your positivism

If you read enough of them you would be convinced that the world is full of nothing but Mother Theresa clones. While that’s nice to imagine, it’s totally unrealistic. And while it may be true in a few instances, owing to the above mentioned emphasis on political correctness, the truth on many of these results is never revealed.

That ends now. Your pal, Al,  devised a survey that got down to the nitty-gritty. Hard-hitting questions like:

When your neighbor is being an asshole, do you feel the need to be understanding and wonder if he had a tough childhood?

When you fart in an elevator, do you laugh, apologize or remain silent? 

Do people often call you a whiner?

Do you need a safe room when people disagree with you? 

When you walk into a crowded room, does anybody even remotely care?

I had many respondents and the early results are in. For the sake of promised anonymity, I will not reveal their answers, but rather the comments I made to some of the test subjects that had taken my survey. I think you will see I relate more to the true cross-section of people who walk the streets with us.

1. What in the world ever made you think taking this survey was a good idea? Aside from your pitiable answers, your spelling is on a 1st grade level. Your results can be summed up in one word…….LOSER!

2. I have sent the results of your survey answers directly to your local law enforcement. Hiring an attorney would be a good move for you.

3. Thank you for the invitation to your pity party, but fortunately I am going to be busy that day, whenever it is.

4. It’s pretty obvious from your answers that your strong suit is being a bully. Indications are that you will probably move on to capital offense activity in the future. I know, you probably had strict parents but hey, life is a bitch, n’est ce pas?

5. It’s possible you are one of the three dullest people alive. Please click on the unsubscribe button at the bottom of the survey page.

6. Thanks for taking my survey. Reading your pathetic answers made me realize how fortunate I am to not know you.

So there you are. If you’d like to take this “reality survey” just put your email address in the comment section. I’ll be happy to send you the link along with the release form which shields me from any civil liability lawsuits. You can thank me later.