Do you want to know what really burns my ass?

A black marble bench.

People that know my politics know that I am a big fan of tort reform. If you want to keep medical costs down, the best way is to limit the ridiculous damage awards that juries regularly dole out to people for frivolous and bloated claims. I know, there are always legitimate cases that deserve large awards but this article will give you a good idea of what I mean. The insurance costs for doctors, hospitals and health care agents in general are a major part of their costs. And as usual, it’s the attorneys that make out most, not the plaintiff.

While the above case involving the marble bench does not involve a medical supplier, it is part and parcel an example of the type of litigious society we inhabit. It’s crazy. Here’s what I or any other reasonable person would have done in that case.

1. First curse, then say, “well that was pretty dumb.”

2. Go to the doctor and have a salve or ointment applied to my dumb ass.

3. Swear the doctor and all witnesses to confidentiality so that no one else finds out what a dumb ass I am.

4. Never sit on a dark marble bench on a hot sunny day ever, ever again.

Folks, in legal jargon, it’s known as implied risk i.e., knowing ahead of time that a certain action on your part involves possible harm.

The father from “That 70s Show” says it best.

Oh well, who knows, maybe the woman wants everybody to know what a hot ass she has. At least she’ll know where to shop from now on.

28 thoughts on “Do you want to know what really burns my ass?

  1. The title reminded me of my Dad who would say it as though he was about to go off on a tangent, and then hover his hand at ass height and declare: “A flame about this high”. Nice post, Al – and yeah, that woman is an idiot!

  2. All I can think of are those hot ass slides I went down as a kid. Might I add over and over. I guess I too could qualify as a dumb ass. However if I had know there could be money in it…..????? I guess I was dumb.

    • I don’t know what the statute of limitations is to sue for getting burned on a hot slide but I’m sure some lawyer would take up your cause.

  3. You should pay that woman a couple of million $$ for setting you up for that great title!

    I may have mentioned before that, as an insurance agent, I specialize in medical malpractice. You are right on the mark, Al.

    I think the problem is a combination of “I’ve won the lottery” mentality and that we’ve become so used to excellent medical care in the West that we think when somebody is ill or injured, it must be somebody’s fault. News flash: accidents happen, diseases happen, and we are ALL going to die.

  4. What makes me crazy is that she didn’t know she was burned until she stood up. How much of a moron do you have to be not to know your backside is burning?

    BTW, the answer to your title question is best given by Dolly Parton in The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas in that delicious accent of hers:

    A flame, about three feet high.

  5. Until most lawyers stop going into politics, I think the only tort reform we’re going to see is no more frivolous multi-berry torts…or is that tarts? I always get the two confused.

    And even I know not to sit on a black marble bench on a hot sunny day. Those benches have very poor lumbar support.

  6. If my blinky memory serves me correctly, there was an attempt at tort reform several years ago (at least in Oregon). As I remember it was defeated but the main complaint against it wasn’t the need for reform it was the way the bill was written. Had a lot of loopholes in it. I hadn’t heard about the marble bench suit.

    • That’s the problem with a lot of bills, they provide loopholes to get votes. You don’t suppose there was a trial lawyer lobby involved do you?

    • Basically, it’s establishing limits on the dollar amount awarded for various civil suits.

      For example, if I slander you, the most you can be awarded from trial is x number of dollars (or pounds). A jury cannot give you any more than that amount but they can give you less.

  7. This is my second attempt to reply to your timely comment. The first was “Killed” when I tried to use the A-word and tort reform and the national debt and EEO complaints in one comment. I suppose it is illegal these days to link the three. I think people should be responsible for their health period.

    • Personal responsibility is a very endangered trait, Dianne. It goes hand in hand with the notion that everyone should be able feed at the government teat.

  8. How short was her skirt/shorts? If you’re so dumb that you don’t know your ass is getting burnt, then you deserve a burnt ass.

    It’s just like that stupid McDonald’s lawsuit, now all coffee needs to say “caution, hot” because someone too stupid to live burned her WhoHa sticking a cup down there.

    This stuff burns my ass too Al.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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