Everything you didn’t need to know about Big Al…..but I’m going to tell you anyway.

Barbara at Day One responded to a post by GrannySmith. who asked some insightful questions about what we really want in life. Barbara’s answers were revealing, honest and heartfelt. In that vein, I’m going to answer those same questions  Ever wondered about Big Al’s serious side? Perhaps after reading this, you will know a bit more about what makes Big Al tick. I hope so.

Q.  If you could give a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?

 “Friends, Romans, countrymen, sorry, but I’m out of time.”

 Q. If you were told you were going to die at midnight, what would you be doing at 11:45 PM?

Setting all my clocks back.

Q. How do you know anything for sure?

I don’t, except that my computer will crash today….for sure!

Q. If you had all the money in the world, but still had to have some kind of job, what would   you do?

I’d start a money counting business.

Q. When you are 90 years old, what will matter to you most?

Where I put my supply of Viagra.

Q. What do you regret most so far in life?

That check I sent to Bernie Madoff.

Q. How can you apply that lesson you learned to your life today?

I will invest in land from now on. I’m going to take that great offer of some cheap land in Chernobyl.

Q. What would you change if you were told with 100% certainty that God does not exist?

I would stop hanging out with those creepy fundamentalists just for “heaven” insurance.

Q. a. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run to? b. Does that person know how much they mean to you?

a. I would run to a psychic who could tell me where I lost it. b. I assume so, after all, they are psychic you know!

Q. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?

Yeah. I haven’t gotten to play golf at Pebble Beach yet.

Q. What would you change if you knew you were never going to die?

My underwear….every day….forever.

Q. You are at Heaven’s gate and God says to you, why should I let you in? What would you say?

“You know I was just kidding with that heaven insurance crack, don’t you?”

Q. a. When will you be good enough for you? b. Is there some point when you will accept everything about yourself?

a. When I am Freshly Pressed. b. No, I will never accept this big pimple on my chin.

Q. Is the country you live in the best fit for you?

No, it’s actually a bit large on me. I’ve always felt I would look better in a Liechtenstein.

Q. What will people say about you at your funeral?

Yep. He’s dead alright.

Q. What small thing could you do to make everyone’s day better?

Not hit the publish button for this post.

Q. If you believe in God, would your relationship with God change at all if you were told with 100% certainty that he was actually a she?

Yes, I wouldn’t shower naked anymore.

Q. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?

Not being allowed to kill the entire selection committee at Freshly Pressed.


30 thoughts on “Everything you didn’t need to know about Big Al…..but I’m going to tell you anyway.

  1. This is your serious side? I especially like your answer about turning your clock back to give yourself another hour to live. In western Kansas, as we’re driving from Kansas to Colorado, there’s an actual “line” between Sherman County and Thomas County, that on one side it’s Mountain Time, and on the other it’s Central Time. I used to wonder if you made a mistake on the Kansas side if you’d wish you could jump to the Colorado side and turn back the clock for a do-over.

    • I’ve never lived near an actual time zone border. That must be a funny feeling to go from the past to the future and back again. Wasn’t there a movie about that?

      The weird thing for me is when we fly to the west coast (or farther) our cell phones have the correct time zone when we walk off the plane. We truly live in the “Twilight Zone” these days.

    • There’s always a few “rookie” bloggers who think I will give a straight answer to their questions. Like you, they are learning the hard way.

  2. I knew there was a reason Mom said, “Don’t wear that ratty underwear, you might be in an accident .” Also,
    Does your new Obamacare insurance cover the ‘lifetime’ of Viagra you expect you will need? Don’t take it to heaven for God’s sake.

  3. Funny Al. You know I could really mess up your image and tell “lots” about you. Don’t worry – be happy “cause, I would never reveal that Al and the memories we share. By the way, Merry Christmas to you and your family!!

  4. That was great stuff Big Al… I laughed till I cried..your answers were spot on comedy and certainly done the Big Al way…smashing…..

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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