I’ve been cut to the quick….again!

Literally, I mean. My damn bloody toes are testament to that. The last time I trimmed my toenails resulted in a comment from my dear wife in somewhat of an exclamatory tone. It was something to the effect of, “that’s it, I’m done seeing you trim your nails and end up with your feet bleeding! You’re going to a pedicurist next time!”

And so, like the dutiful husband that I am, I went for my first pedicure the other day. At first, my machismo kicked in and I skulked around the parking lot for a few minutes, surveying the scene to ascertain if anyone I knew might see me. I cleverly picked out a coffee shop right next to the nail salon that I would duck into if I did see a familiar face. I rehearsed my line “Oh, hi (insert any friend’s name here), I guess I wasn’t paying attention and opened the wrong door. Care to join me for a cup of java next door?” But as luck would have it, I saw no one and had to fulfill my marital promise by entering.

After convincing myself that I hadn’t wandered into a Chinese restaurant by mistake, I approached an attendant. Although in a very nervous state, I do remember saying in a rather sheepish voice “be gentle, it’s my first time”. I was immediately whisked away to a rather ominous looking recliner. I mean, this thing had to be a hand-me-down from NASA, who most certainly had used it during launches. It had enough controls on it to easily pilot a lunar lander. Not only that, there was a gurgling pond of water at the foot of it, with a forbidding steam vapor rising steadily from it recesses. Undaunted, (actually, there was a lot of daunt, but I knew my wife would be arriving soon), I mounted the Lazy-boy from hell.

The attendant carefully explained the chair controls to me and told me it would be giving me a back rub while she was working on my feet. It was at that moment that my fears melded into a sort of quasi-confidence that maybe this wasn’t going to be such a bad experience after all. In fact, due to the exhilaration of the massage, I gave my feet over to her gladly and completely.

The pool of water I had such anxiety about was totally unfounded. What a great feeling to dip my dogs into that warm hot tub for tootsies. I asked her what she thought it would cost for me to have one of those chairs for my house. The number certainly wasn’t in our budget, but then I began to think, “do we really need a second car anyway?”

The pedicure went flawlessly, if you don’t count the many times I jerked my foot away because it tickled so much. She assured my it was nothing new for her to have to work with flailing phalanges. But the best part; not a drop of blood was spilled.

Well, so much for my machismo. I’ve always taken pride in my personal grooming, thus, not counting haircuts, have never felt the need for “outside help” in maintaining my appearance. Now, as the saying goes, “them thar days is over”. I’m a convert to the pampered set. I’m chucking out my nail clippers. One question though; does anyone know of a supplement that accelerates toenail growth?


23 thoughts on “I’ve been cut to the quick….again!

  1. My daughter and son-in-law bought a massage recliner chair. We didn’t ask, and they didn’t share exactly what it cost – but we just bought a used car that was quite a bit less expensive! The car gets great gas mileage, which means we can drive over to their house and use their chair anytime we want.

    • I keep waiting for Detroit (or Japan) to come out with a car with a massage chair driver’s seat. They have heated seats, why not add the massage rollers? And maybe little robot elves down on the floorboard to do the pedicure at the same time. Wait a minute…..I’ve got to call the patent office…..see ya.

  2. Welcome to this wonderful pedicure world……I love my time in that massaging chair, so sorry you didn’t find this little bit of Nirvana sooner…dragged Doc in one day and he quite liked it also! Maybe next visit we 4 could all go together????

  3. It takes a really secure man to venture into a nail salon. You must be SUPER secure in your machismo to have selected Fuchsia Passion as your toenail color.

    I had my first pedicure last year, and wondered what I had been waiting for – they’re great! But I think you mean you thought you stumbled into a Vietnamese restaurant.

    • No wonder they looked confused when I said “me likey Mao, you likey Mao?”

      And thanks for validating my color choice. It was a tough decision between the Fuchsia Passion and the Puce Vomit.

  4. That photo caught me for a moment, sure you didn’t have an older brother? Ditch the moustache and you would be Jack’s double. The shape of your head, nose, chin, hands and legs are so like his were. He also had very ticklish feet.

  5. Great you had such kindly care. David embarrassed me when he had his TKR. He had one gigantic toe nail ( don’t ask) and refused to cut it off. The first thing the attendant told him was ” I’m going to cut that toenail,” and she did. Now days we both see a podiatrist, him because he is prediabetic, me because I am on Plavix. This fellow is a bit grumpy, so we don’t get the care and attention you do, but we have much less possibility of contracting some infection….why Medicare and my insurance cover it.

    • Actually, between my Medicare and Supplement plan, it would be much cheaper for me to have a podiatrist do it….heck, I’m paying for that coverage anyway. However, if they don’t have the tootsie hot tub it’s a deal breaker!

  6. “Her indoors” has often suggested I go to such a place as she reviews what she terms “My barbaric approach to hygiene,” but like you, I can or could not face being seen walking into such a place. To have the man who is the last champion of the scruff spotted in some pandering joint having his tootsies done would be the end of civilisation as we know it. I cannot do that to mankind, but part of me is envious of the experience you enjoyed and I know I would enjoy it too, as long as no one saw me in the shop. How sad is that? With that in mind, I salute your bravery, and the wise acknowledgement of your wife’s greater wisdom: the heart of domestic happiness in my experience.

    • Au contraire, sir. It is you who is the essence of bravery to face the tide and hold fast. The encroaching wave of emasculation has taken many a good man in recent years and though I must now admire you of the scruff from afar, I still hold you up as the last bastion of total manhood.

  7. I’m glad your experience was a happy one, Al. I heard something about a pickle ball tournament at Great Neck the other day–were you in it?

    • Yes, Patti. After two games, my partner and I were undefeated and tied for first. After that we fell back to earth pretty quickly. Had a ball though!

  8. What a wise man you are becoming, a pedicure is heaven. We look after all parts of our body but feet tend to get forgotten and these are used all day, every day so it is vital that they are kept in good condition especially in our Golden years. It is not just cutting nails, it is the care , the joy, the happiness derived from having healthy smooth tootsies.
    Also it is not the prerogative of women to use these wonderful establishments. Manicures are fantastic but I think in your case I would hold back on the nail varnish.
    you could even try a facial..I had my first one this week…bliss..
    next week I am having my eye lashes done so I can flutter them at any passing gigolol…do you think aged 75 is too old do flutter. Should I be refined or take the plunge and cause a hurricane

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