Politics, Big Al style…..

It’s hard to keep track of all the embarrassing moments in Washington, D. C. politics these days, so let’s just concentrate on the latest one shall we? The House of Representatives, still reeling at the news of Speaker of the House John Boehner’s recent announcement that he is stepping down, is all atwitter about who to elect next. The anointed heir apparent, Kevin McCarthy, dropped out of the race, supposedly due to a rumor about a prior “affair”. Where have we heard that before?

Anyway, the most interesting part of this is that a little known fact that has emerged as a result. To wit, a person doesn’t have to be a currently elected representative of the House to be elected Speaker.  Yes, the representatives can elect anyone they want. Joe the plumber is just as eligible for the post as anyone.

Needless to say, as soon as I learned this, I started a grass roots campaign to put my name in for consideration. I thereby appeal to you, my loyal readers, to support me in this noble bid. Help me convince the House that they should listen to the thoughts of the common man. Furthermore, I submit there is no more common a man than myself.

Here is what I will push for as Speaker of the House:

1. Although this goes against the core beliefs of most politicians, from now we will read the laws we pass before they are passed.

2. Congress will henceforth meet for only one month every year. This will free us up to get real jobs that will do much less harm to the country. As Will Rogers once said; “No man’s life, liberty or property are safe while the Legislature is in session.” It should also be noted that Will Rogers was an optimist.

3. Commensurate with my proposal in #2 above, salaries will be cut to 1/12th of their current levels. This will have the added benefit of reducing our national debt to zero.

4. We, as representatives of the people, will also be personally bound by the laws we pass. Since this will remove the incentive for most politicians to serve, the total number of Congressman can easily be reduced to 50, or one for each state.

5. In keeping with our “majority rules” credo, the congress will only be able to vote itself a raise with the approval of 51 per cent of the electorate during a general election. Wise investing might be advisable due to this new ruling.

6. All contacts between representatives and lobbyists will be permanently discontinued. In fact, our lobbies themselves will be closed. Without lobbyists, why would we need lobbies?

7. In another cost-saving move, the House will charge the executive branch for the use of our facilities to give the annual State of the Union speech. The fee schedule for the said speech will be as follows: First 100 words: $1000 per word; words 101 through 1000: $10,000 per word; words 1001 and up: $100,000 per word.

8. In an effort for this political body to grow a spine, all legislation will be voted on with a yea or nay response. Any attempt to just vote “here” or your unexcused absence from a vote will invoke immediate impeachment proceedings and a letter home to your parents.

9. Our first order of business will be to introduce an amendment to the Constitution for term limits. A two year limit is proposed, but ipso facto item #2 of this list, it really translates to only two months, which is more than enough time for anyone to suckle at the government teat.

10. The tax code shall be simplified and abridged to read no more than 10 pages. Job relocation services will be provided for the 92,000 IRS employees whose services will no longer be required. The 33 remaining employees will each receive a 10% raise.

I like my chances.

31 thoughts on “Politics, Big Al style…..

  1. Never mind the Speaker – you should run for President!

    The scary thing about your manifesto is how sensible it is. I’m not sure you’re qualified for government work. Or perhaps I should say, ‘work’.

    We have an enduring political party called The Monster Raving Loony Party. From their website:

    The Official Monster Raving Loony Party is registered as a political party with the Electoral Commission.
    We were formed on the 16th of June 1982 at the Golden Lion Hotel in Ashburton Devon by co-founders ‘Screaming Lord Sutch’ and our current leader ‘Howling Laud Hope’.

    This is true. They field candidates in every General Election and people often vote for them in protest at the madness that is Westminster politics.

    Some of their ‘crazy’ policies have since become law. This is worth a read: http://www.mirror.co.uk/usvsth3m/7-monster-raving-loony-party-5644717

    • Those folks are a riot! Judging from reading this, I’d say they have accomplished far more than our Congress in it’s best year. Wait a minute…..it hasn’t had a “best” year.

  2. This is a great idea, Al. I’d vote for you if I could.
    I read a blog post the other day by a man who suggested that the election for President should be conducted online, and be a process similar to the TV show, Survivor. Anyone could run for the position. Each candidate would post their positions on the Election Site. The electorate could vote for their favourite candidate once a week, and candidates who didn’t get enough ‘likes’ would be removed. The campaign would run for the equivalent of an average prime time TV show. The last man standing became the President.
    This is, of course, just a concept that would need some refining. But, given the candidates in the running for your President, could ‘Presidential Survivor’ really select anyone worse?

    • This is a great idea, Margie. Here are the refinements I would make. 1. No one who has ever held political office of any kind is eligible. 2. No current or former famous actors or sports personalities are eligible, they have too big a head start in recognition. No CEO’s of companies are eligible for obvious reasons. No, it has to be open only to the truly “common” man who is unfettered by past or current fame or fortune. And you’re right. The time frame should be reasonable, not the two and a half year candidate coverage we are now agonizingly subjected to. Or….we could all move to Canada.

  3. You have my vote. Plus I have a number of pseudonyms, so you have, like five more votes. That’s all right, right?

    Plus, I thought of another efficiency-introducing measure: get rid of the cushy chairs. If all business is done standing up, meetings tend to be shorter. And no podiums to rest long pages of notes on. If your speech doesn’t fit on a few 3 X 5 cards, or in your head, sorry, it was too long and had too much propaganda. 🙂

  4. My dad, rest his soul, used to say that there should be open season on politicians one month out of every year. I think he would have enjoyed talking to you, and probably would have voted for you if he had been able to.
    Chris S in Canada

    • What a wonderful idea he had. We should make it the same month they’re all gathered together in D.C. Easy pickins. Ha Ha. Thanks for commenting, Chris.

  5. OK, I’m not even an American citizen, but then, as the Speaker does not have to be a member of the House, perhaps I will still be able to vote for you. Possibly I could rustle up quite a number of votes for you across the UK, and give those guys in Washington a bit of a shock. !

  6. I’d vote for you. Can you send a copy of that to our government? Not that we can be Speaker. Not only do you have to be an MP but you also have to be chummy with the PM and have a penchant for taking helicopters to party fundraisers at taxpayers’ expense to get that job.

    We used to play the nightly game of “What Embarrassing Thing Did Tony Do/Say Today?” and then his party replaced him. It’s boring now.

    • Absolutely. Pelosi’s comment about the Obamacare bill (we’ll have to pass it to find out what’s in it) is without a doubt the most moronic statement to ever come out of Congress. EVER!

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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