This score just in…………Jerry 1, Bessie 0!

A few months ago, Governor Jerry Brown passed a law in California regulating just how much cow manure and cow flatulence can be tolerated due to its effect on the atmosphere. This is a bold and innovative move on his part in the ever-present fight against Global Warming. I left this alone for a good while, but I can’t hold it in any longer (no pun intended). Such a forward-thinking act deserves no less than my renowned poetry to honor it. Not to mention I’ll use any excuse for a limerick!

Global Warming’s cause is the rage

But who thought it would get to this stage

Yet it’s now come to pass

That a bovine’s big ass

Will act as the cause’s new gauge.


Governor Brown is heading the push

To regulate ‘ole Bessie’s tush

If she continues to fart

He’ll be keeping a chart

And be hiding behind every bush!”


This law has no area of grayness

For the crime against earth is so heinous

The time has now come

To restrict a cow’s bum

And deal with their runaway anus.


Since cowpies are hurting the air

He’ll fight with his usual flair

And give them the axe

With a flatulence tax

So dairies better beware!


The next time you’re craving a cone

You’ll just have to leave it alone

And boycott the dairies

To support good old Jerry’s

Crusade for cows to atone!


33 thoughts on “This score just in…………Jerry 1, Bessie 0!

  1. Your poetry is great, and it accomplished even more. Look at the discussion it engendered. And it made me look up how much do cattle fart? I’d heard it was quite a bit, but according to a Danish study, the average cow produces enough methane per year to do the same greenhouse damage as four tons of carbon dioxide. Good grief! Cheese does the same thing to me. Thanks for your public service.

  2. I think I may decide to go vegan or vegetarian to a greater degree. Lessons to be learned here. Who knew this was an important problem. Thanks for your sage wisdom, Al. Although the economics of reducing consumption could hurt a lot of people. 😦

    • If you decide to go vegan, more power to you, but do it because you want to change your eating habits, not because some progressive/activist says you are ruining the earth by eating meat or dairy products. Don’t they have enough control of your life already? You’ll realize this the first time you use a public bathroom and are seated next to a large man who is gender confused.

  3. You are the limerick master, Al, and this is a classic example of the art.

    Several of your readers have opined that animal agriculture is a menace, and I’m wondering what solution to this problem is being suggested. Release all captive animals and let them fend for themselves? I believe that pigs who get loose become feral quickly and are very dangerous. Should we kill all captive animals at once and have a world-wide cookout? Would we still be allowed to hunt wild animals? Do wild animals not have the same bodily functions?

    • My sister, Tar-buns, lives out in the country in Michigan, and a couple of miles down the road is a little community that’s not even big enough to be a town – just a church and rectory and a small cluster of houses at the crossroads of 2 country highways. There are farms on the outsides edges.

      One is a cow farm that grew up over the years until it was of gigantic proportions straddling both sides of the road, with thousands and thousands of cows. Tar calls it the cow-prison and the stench is truly heinous. Thank goodness she can’t smell it from her house, but she has to drive through this place every day. It looks like a post-card-worthy tiny town with its white, clapboard church but you literally have to hold your breath as you go through – the smell is eye-watering. I so pity the poor schmucks who have been stuck with that as a neighbor, because nobody would buy any of those houses.

      When I visited her a couple of months ago I noticed no stench, because no cows. They’re all gone. Tar said the farmer died last year and his grown kids got into a fight about the farm so they sold off all the cattle. Problem solved locally, not globally.

      I still want cheeseburgers and milk, but I don’t want that in my backyard, frankly. I guess states like California can ban cows and their residents can pay $15/gallon for milk imported from states like Michigan who decide to keep them. State’s rights, eh?

    • It’s pretty much always the same with activists, Peg. The complaining is easy, but never mind the fallout. In most case, these same people don’t change their lifestyle at all because the things they complain about, animal agriculture, big corporations, big oil, are the very things that make their lives comfortable. If they thought about it and we banned all the things they don’t like about human progress, we’d go back to the stone age. Aren’t they supposed to be progressive anyway? Progressivism is just a code word for controlling other people’s lives.

      Anyway, thanks for the compliment.

      • Naw, I’m gonna disagree with you here, Al. Progressivism is just a code word…until the problem is occurring in your back yard. Then it’s a stinking problem as the people who had to put up with the manure filled cow-lots in Peg’s story discovered.

        I have an oil well in my back yard. Nope. I’m not happy about it. The fracking and dynamiting during drilling knocked pictures off the walls and cracked foundations. The gas burn-off smoked the sky for 4 months. Royalties? Very Teeny. The corporation takes its costs out first. Earthquakes? At least 5 a day now. It’s a problem and a frustrating mess.

        • Sorry to hear you have such a problem with this. No fun and I don’t think there’s a lawyer in the world that could go up against the government to get the royalties increased. A big thanks to our “progressive” SCOTUS for deciding that Eminent Domain meant it was OK anywhere if it was for the “overall good” of the populace at large.

  4. You should watch “Cowspiracy”. It’s a documentary on the effects of animal agriculture on our environment. It’s not really a joking matter. Animal agriculture has more impact on our environmental degradation than any other single cause

  5. Excellent Al!
    I couldn’t resist telling you this cow joke – the last line is such a delightful play on words.
    There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, “Why didn’t you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

  6. OMG! Doesn’t he have anything better to do? Let’s put our “energy” where it is really needed. For example, aren’t there a lot of cars (not cows) in CA? Let’s focus on what really cownts … counts! Too hillarious …

    • They already have the strictest laws on car engine emission there. The irony here is the state with the most liberals by far (who are the loudest environmentalists) has the most problems with pollution. Perhaps clearing the state of liberals is the answer….just sayin’.

  7. Truth is, environmentalists have known for over fifty years about this problem. CA has such a water problem, it would do better to encourage less water intensive forms of agriculture.

    Recall Jerry was elected by a popular majority.

    But never fear, with Trump in charge, oil drilling will replace all the cow pastures. Airpollution resulting from these activities is better?

    And what ever happened to States Rights conservatives concerned with theConfederate battleflag are always screaming about? Apparently, they don’t matter when the world climate is in danger and they conflict withe the alt-right agenda.

    • I’m not sure I understand much of this comment, Dianne, but I’m just going to assume you are all in for state’s rights, which is a very conservative viewpoint and therefore, one with which I wholeheartedly agree.

      • Yes, States Rights as long as the Supreme Court doesn’t say differently. It’s laid out in the Constitution, as well as legislation, and jurisprudence since 1789. When the States (with a capital S) agreed on the Constitution, they set out the Enumerated Powers of the federal government (little f) powers which have been badly abused by various presidents through the ages. Some, like FDR I liked and some I did not.

        I don’t agree with everything Jerry Brown does, however, my son likes him and I love my son who is pretty damn smart (he’s a Democrat).

        As you know my granddaughter is a dairy worker with a degree in AG science from VA Tech. We love cows and each drink 5 glasses of milk every day. We think the cows are necessary. However they do emit methane which is a problem and it puzzles me how one could catch cow farts. Also they require much water which makes me wonder if there are better AG products for CA.

        Given Brown is intelligent, I wonder what he is thinking. Sounds like a subject worth exploring further.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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