May the Toilet Paper Be With You………..

Even the most atheistic among us would have to admit that there is an undeniable power in the universe. Obi-Wan Kenobi recognized this and imparted this wisdom to all who would listen. But even he wasn’t able to specifically identify what is was. Certain of its existence, he merely referred to it as “The Force”. “May the Force be with you” was the mantra and salvation the reward for all who adhered to its tenet.

It wasn’t until the year 2020, that the substance of “The Force” was revealed with consummate clarity to all humanity. Toilet paper.

It took a raging pandemic to awaken us, the unwashed, to the magical properties of so simple an item. An item that is around us wherever we go. Looking desperately for something to assuage our fears, a sudden realization hit us like a meteor streaking though the night skies. “Lo, let the word be heralded,” was the cry. “The coronavirus pandemic, with its enigmatic moniker COVID-19 meant to scare us even more, was no match for Toilet Paper!” Almost simultaneously, it dawned on the citizens of the world that only if we ran to the market and stocked our houses with reams and reams of toilet paper, would the virus surely pass us by. And woe betide those who paid no heed and purchased only by need.

History is replete with epidemics and pandemics that decimated the countrysides with impunity. The Plague of the middle ages and the 1918 influenza pandemic are just two. The first, the “Black Death” made those denizens helpless. They tried reeds, leaves, and goat and sheep skins to ward off it’s evil, to no avail. In 1918, civilization had “The Force” available to them, but failed to recognize its healing properties lay in copious amounts. They carried only a few days worth with pitiful results. For a while it was rumored that dried corn cobs might be an effective elixir, but since only farmers had access to them it never had widespread application.

In the months and years to come, historians will acclaim the brilliance of how this heretofore mundane item became the world’s savior, when purchased in mass quantities, of course. Scott Paper Company, and others like them, will have statues and monuments dedicated to them for their part in this miracle.

And so, life goes on. Never again will the masses be caught unawares without garages full of “The Force.” Nay, when the next epidemic comes around we will be well prepared to “wipe it out.”

Worth its weight in gold.

Editor’s note: At the time of the writing of this article, scientists also revealed that studies show that buying truckloads of the “Super Soft” variety of “The Force” will also ward off hurricanes and and blizzards.