Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions (2019)

Ho, ho ho. It’s December again and you know what that means. Time for my prognostications for the coming year. Yes, here’s the news before it’s news. And the best part…it’s free. So without further ado:

Jan 2019: Illegal immigrants from Latin America finally gain entrance to the U.S. by building an even higher wall and jumping over President Trump’s wall. The U.S. retaliates with an even higher wall. The immigrants do the same. By the end of 2019, the border walls become tallest manmade structures in the world.

Feb 2019: Newly re-installed Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, doubles down on her statement that Republican policies will directly result in the deaths of millions and millions of Americans. However, in an effort to reach across the aisle, she agrees to compromise on policy parts that will only kill conservative voters.

Mar 2019: Hillary Clinton declares she will seek the Presidency in 2020 once again. Boldly declaring that after two previous peaceful attempts, this time she will use violence and brute force to attain the office. Her new slogan will be “It takes a pillage.”

April 2019: Robert Mueller’s investigation of Trump’s supposed collusion with Russia drags into its third year. Stating that “he will leave no Roger Stone unturned,” he further states that he expects the investigation to reach its conclusion around the year 2048 or if he dies, whichever comes first.

May 2019: Last year’s investigation of Justice Brett Kavanaugh blows up again. An impeachment trial is set as Sen Diane Feinstein reveals she has evidence gathered from a 53 year-old woman who claims, while they were in kindergarten together, Kavanaugh  once said to her, “I’ll show you mine, if you’ll show me yours.”

June 2019: With the second vote counting debacle in Florida in the last 20 years fresh on the minds of Americans, The Florida Board of Elections orders new state-of-the-art voting machines for all Florida precincts for the 2020 election. Manufactured by a company called “Every Vote Counts, Comrade” home-based in Moscow, they are guaranteed to be accurate down to the last chad.

July 2019: Riots in Paris and all over France go into their 8th month. Even though President Macron has rescinded his additional 25 cent “carbon tax,” which was added to the already $7+ cost of a gallon of gas, protesters, seemingly addicted to looting businesses and burning overturned police cars, demand he go one step further and say “Oncle!”

August 2019: Having already won a Nobel prize and an Oscar for his efforts touting climate change, Al Gore narrowly misses the hat trick when he comes in second place for a Pulitzer prize in journalism. Critics attribute his shortfall to the very ending of his climate treatise. In it, he taints his otherwise perfect exposition by suggesting all climate change deniers be burned at the stake as blasphemers. A day later, scientists estimate that doing so would release over 100 million tons of CO2 into the atmosphere, causing an extinction event.

September 2019: President Trump finally gets a handle on all the “crap coming out from the White House” due to damaging leaks. It turns out to be  just a faulty gasket in the toilet bowl in the bathroom of the Lincoln bedroom.

October 2019: President Trump tries to calm down all the criticism over his “revolving door” staff and cabinet appointments by installing a new dartboard in the oval office with a much larger bulls-eye.

November 2019: California finally secedes from the Union. The new country of Caliphonia promptly declares war on the U.S. However, their newly sworn-in President soon sends our President Trump a message asking; “Can we just dispense with the fighting part and go straight to the part where you send us money to rebuild?”

December 2019: After all the brouhaha last year over certain Christmas jingles being offensive, a compromise is reached by the FCC. Starting December 1st, the offensive Christmas jingles will only be played on odd-numbered days. On even-numbered days the more genteel rap music, with their soothing rape and police killing lyrics, will be the fare.