Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Assertions for 2023

Wow. It’s been nearly 6 months since I last blogged. Fear not, though, you knew I wouldn’t neglect my duties as your friendly blogging seer for the year 2023. Sit back and relax while I take off the stress of worrying about what’s coming your way. Oh, and Happy New Year!

January – Still beaming with pride at the unexpected success of the mid-term elections, Joe Biden heads out for the steps of the Capitol Building for his inauguration. Thankfully, his Chief of Staff catches up with him in time to remind him he wasn’t on the ballot in 2022.

February – Russia’s President Vladimir Putin, aka “Vlad the Clod”, has his finger on the button ready to nuke Ukraine, then stops at the last minute when a senior advisor tells him that due to the constant prevailing winds, the fallout from the blast will rain tons of radioactive particles on much of Russia and all of Moscow. By amazing coincidence, the next day that same advisor accidentally falls out of a seventh-story window.

March – Arizona, still trying to muddle through the 2020 election results, finally resolves the issue by hiring “The Count” from Sesame Street to tally the votes for them.

This year’s election is brought to you by the number 2,447,501

April – Speaking of Arizona, Vice-president Kamala Harris is again questioned by journalists as to why she, as the so-called “border czar”, hasn’t yet visited any open borders. She fires back, “In case you didn’t know, all the Borders are closed,” adding, “however, I did recently visit a Barnes and Noble where I enjoyed a large caramel latte while perusing an updated edition of VP’s for Dummies.”

May – Elon Musk assures that his venture company, Space X, is still full speed ahead in its quest to populate Mars by the year 2030. In keeping with his penchant for always being ahead of the curve, he starts an adjunct company to manufacture fold-up “rovers” that will propel inhabitants around using plentiful Martian dust as fuel. As daily dust storms rage across the planet, an attachable funnel-like antenna atop the zero-emission vehicles will trap the dust and circulate it through the engine.

June – Famous WNBA star, Brittany Griner, not long removed from her incarceration in Russian prisons for conviction of drug importation, shocks the basketball world by announcing her intention of playing for the Russian National team in the next Olympics. When asked by sports writers if it might be due to Stockholm Syndrome she responds, “No, I’ve never even been to Sweden. I just grew fond of my Russian captors.”

July – Still smarting from the embarrassing release of his tax records at the beginning of the year, former President Trump endures yet another negative revelation after further auditing. He had claimed he donated his entire salary to charity each year he was President. However, IRS auditors were unable to find the charitable entity “The Church of Our Lady of Melania” in their list of non-profits.

August – Looking back on the flight cancellation fiasco from last winter and envisioning a possible repeat during Christmas 2023, Southwest Airlines makes a major announcement. CEO of Southwest, Bob Jordan, states “We have taken serious steps to avoid a repetition of last year’s traumatic events. This year, during the holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Year, we will only book flights in and around the Southwestern states where the weather isn’t so damn shi—- (redacted).” When probed further by journalists asking if this wasn’t a copout, Jordan retorted, “Hey people, have you checked the name on the planes lately? Duh!”

September – The battle about using or not using the correct pronouns based on how a person identifies sexually continues to heat up. Taking a page from an old TV show “The Addams Family” and its character, cousin Itt, Congress settles the impasse by passing a law that henceforth, all persons, regardless of sexual identity will now be considered androgynous and referred to as “it”.

I don’t believe you’ve met my immediate child-bearing predecessor, “It”, formerly known as mom.

October – Halloween takes on an entirely different appearance as the ever-growing woke crowd finds 99% of all costumes are either too gender-specific, offensive, or culture-appropriating. Not surprisingly, this year, every trick-or-treater in the country dresses up as Cousin Itt.

November – The Administration takes the annual ritual of the ceremonial Presidential pardon of the White House Thanksgiving turkey one step further by pardoning all turkeys in Washington, DC. A huge, collective sigh of relief from all 535 politicians over at the Capitol Building can be heard from miles away.

December – It appears next year’s race for the White House will be a rematch between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. This time, however, there will be far less hullabaloo and chaos as Joe Biden will make far fewer appearances due to his recent involuntary commitment to a rest home, while “The Donald” will find it quite difficult campaigning from a Federal prison cell.