Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions – 2022

Yes, another year has drawn to a close. In keeping with my pledge to you to lessen your burdens, I present this years edition of AAAAAA. After all, you’re busy enough with your own lives without having to worry about what’s on the horizon. My take on what’s up for the coming year regarding the pandemic and political upheaval, etc. should be all you need. Hence, I present the news for the coming year today:


A new and even more devastating variant of the Covid virus arises early in the new year. Aptly named the “Fauci variant,” its major symptom is a propensity for the infected person to ramble on incessantly, issuing contradictory statements without the vaguest idea of what they are talking about.


Kyle Rittenhouse becomes the richest media mogul in the United States as a result of several successful defamation lawsuits resulting from his acquittal of murder charges last year. Having been falsely accused by the media and President Biden of being a white supremacist, Kyle is now the majority stockholder in CNN, Facebook, and The New York Times. As well as being  awarded a vast amount of President Joe Biden’s fortune, Rittenhouse amasses even more riches with his best-selling book titled, “Kenosha, Me Owes Ya “.


In this, the new age of gender fluidity, transsexual “Roberta” Coghill, of Dubuque, Iowa, makes American jurisprudence history by becoming the first person to become both the plaintiff and defendant in a civil suit. Claiming unwanted sexual advances by “Robert” before the sex change was totally completed, Roberta is suing the former Robert for mental anguish when he fondled her during a breast cancer self-exam.


The Biden administration again strongly threatens serious financial repercussions if either Russia invades the Ukraine or China invades Taiwan. Working together to solve this impasse, China and Russia agree that instead, China will invade Ukraine while Russia takes on the island of Taiwan, since that scenario is not covered in Biden’s ultimatum.


In California, large gang “smash and grab” robberies from stores and pharmacies are becoming so widespread that many of the state’s elderly citizens are afraid to go shopping, even for essentials. Yielding to pressure from millions of AARP members, the state legislature officially sets aside the second Tuesday of each month as “Seniors Only Smash and Grab Day.”


Jussie Smollett, recently convicted of five counts of false reporting of a hate crime, speaks out about going to prison. In his first interview since the trial, the ever-positive Smollett reveals what he sees as the silver lining to his sentencing, saying “at least if I go to prison, I won’t have to pay people to beat me up.”


Billionaires Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, all having successfully launched space vehicles in 2021, continue their quest to conquer the heavens. Each using their own privately funded space program, the race is on to see which one can be the first land on Mars, establish a profitable multi-corporation conglomerate there, then return safely to earth to file it with the SEC.


The rash of angry and unbalanced travelers disturbing or diverting domestic airlines flights continues. For a while now, a number of fliers have had to be physically restrained for violently objecting to their assigned seat mates due to their race, politics, religion or sexual preference. To counter this intolerant and dangerous annoyance, airlines redesign their aircraft by adding jail cells and establishing yet another class of travel, Now available: First, Business, Coach, and Incarceration class.


With the sports world still in turmoil over having to cancel football games due to Covid protocols, the NCAA enforces the “6-feet” social distancing rule for defenses to ensure players avoid spreading the virus while defending against the offenses. Every single game of the season ends in a tie until Notre Dame finally squeaks out a victory over Ohio State by the score of 1,246 to 1,239 when an Ohio State ball carrier trips on his loose shoelace on the last play of the game.


Road rage incidents rise steadily as more and more self-driving cars hit the road. The most serious occurs in Topeka when a Tesla auto-pilot car attacks an Apple autocar for honking at it the moment a red light turned green. Both cars were nearly totaled. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt as they were both asleep at the time.


The bruhaha between parents and local schoolboards over the teaching of Critical Race Theory boils over, resulting in the arrest and confinement of all parents of school-aged children on the charge of domestic terrorism. Thankfully, all are released when it is realized that they will be needed to carry the biggest burden toward the paying of racial reparations.


Absolutely nothing newsworthy happens in the entire month. No one dies, as joy and plenty abound throughout the land. There is peace on earth and good will toward men (and everyone of all the other sexes). OK, gas is now $35 per gallon, so there is that I guess.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year anyway.