You all know one. Or at least you know of one. The proverbial wise a** who just has to joke about everything medical. That’s me. I confess. My poor wife will not even go to a doctor appointment with me because she is embarrassed by my tired, recycled “jokes”, as is the entire medical staff. If I’m going to see a doctor, a metamorphosis happens and I immediately turn into that most dreaded of all patients, “Standupcomicman!” I suppose I should be in counseling but no psychiatrist will see me since that time I went to one and brought a duck on the end of a leash. He asked me what my problem was and I said: “Oh, it’s not me, Doc, it’s my wife here, she thinks she’s a duck.” (rim shot)

“A funny pain happened on the way over here, Doc.”

Let me give you an example. This morning I went to my pain management doctor to get a cortisone shot for my chronic back pain. Since it had been over a year since my last visit, I had to fill out the tedious medical info form again. I hate that thing. Are they not just asking for it? Here are some of the answers I provided.

Their question: Do you drink alcohol in excess?

My answer: Only before I come here.

“I was wondering why you chose my practice”

Their question: Do you smoke?

My answer: Only after sex. In other words, no.

“Doc is never gonna believe this.”

Their question: Are you pregnant or think you could be?

My answer: Possibly. I was abducted by aliens last week.

“But they assured me they were using protection!”

Their question: Are you addicted to any drugs?

My answer: Why, what are you offering?

“C’mon, Dude! My doc is running a two-for-one special!”

Their question: How would you rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no pain and 10 being excruciating.

My answer: My back, 5.  Filling out this form, 10.

“While you’re at it Doc, how about some oxycontin for this carpal tunnel syndrome that has just cropped up?”

My reputation has gotten so bad in the medical community that they have added comments to my patient info form for the medical folks to preempt me with. Here are some examples: (Note: in the interest of time and space I have omitted the words “you idiot” that customarily follow each of these comments.)

“No, Al, you will not be able to play the piano after this procedure, because you couldn’t play before!”

“It’s a miracle Doc, I didn’t understand a note before my surgery!”

“Al, if it hurts when you do that, then don’t do that!”

” You mean it won’t hurt if I don’t do this?”

“No, Al, I am not going to buy you dinner and a movie before the prostate exam.”

“I know this great little Italian place on the eastside Doc. You’ll love it.”

When one doctor told me he was thinking of getting out of the medical profession I asked him if it was because of the stress, the high cost of malpractice insurance, or the government interference. He said none of those, it was because of patients like me. (rim shot)

Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn’t close this post with one of my all-time favorite doctor jokes. Here goes:

A doctor calls a patient on the phone. The man answers.

The Doctor: “Joe, glad I reached you, I have the results of some tests we ran and I’ve got good news and bad news.”

Joe: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “They show you only have a half a year to live.”

Joe: “Half a year! That’s terrible! And that’s the good news? What could possibly be the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the past six months.” (rim shot)