Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions…2013

Yes, once again it’s time for Big Al’s fearless prognostications for the coming year. You already know that 2013 will be a better year for TV watching because there will be no elections, but what about the things you don’t expect to happen? Don’t worry, Big Al has your back. The following privileged information is open to all readers except those who have been keeping track of the accuracy of my predictions for 2012.

January 2013 – President Obama and Speaker Boehner will finally settle their stalemate over the dreaded “fiscal cliff” negotiations by playing a winner-take-all golf match. When Obama wins, Joe Biden will be overheard to say: “this is a big f—ing deal!”

February 2013 – The Super Bowl will be called off after it is learned that neither club can field a full team due to drug suspensions and players serving jail time. CBS will not be deterred and will instead present a four-hour halftime show.

March 2013 – Bowing to international pressure, Iran will stand down from its production of nuclear weapons of mass destruction and instead concentrate on producing radioactive matzoh balls which will be secretly shipped to Israel.

April 2013 – Facing a critical point in its financial meltdown, the European Union will expel Greece from among its ranks. When asked to enumerate the reasons for this drastic move, the head of the European Commission, Portugal’s Jose Manuel Barroso, simply says: “I can’t, they’re all Greek to me.”

May 2013 – With the Kentucky Derby looming and 35 years having passed since racing’s last Triple Crown winner, the commissioner of the National Thoroughbred Racing Association announces hisĀ  plan to stem the lagging interest in the sport. He states that only one horse will be entered in the three events this year. While this will guarantee an end to the Triple Crown drought, it will also bankrupt Churchill Downs, Pimlico Race Track and Belmont Park as all betting tickets turn out to be winners. Immediately after the last race, an election is held to replace the outgoing commissioner.

June 2013 – With the price of gas rising to $49.99 per gallon, millions of hapless Americans will change their vacation habits by buying Microsoft’s newly announced software offering, appropriately titled “Virtual Vacation.” By putting on the special goggles that come with the program, you will be taken on a two-hour, 3-D tour of “Xanadu”, Bill Gates palatial 66,000 sq. ft. mansion in Washington State. When queried about what the expected price of the software will be, Gates responds: “your last dime.”

July 2013 – Because of John Boehner losing his golf match with Obama in January by missing an easy 2-foot putt on the last hole, Obama’s new “tax the rich” plan will go into effect this month. Straying far from Obama’s pledge defining the rich as those making over $250,00 per year, the new tax law language now defines the rich as being “anyone with money left over after the monthly bills.”

August 2013 – With the summer heat wave ominously entering its 2nd day, man-made global warming advocates clamor for increasing the carbon tax another 400%. Al Gore, spokesman for the group, states: “since hurricane Sandy in 2012, we have seen global temperatures rise another 0.00000000016 of a degree, a clear indication that Americans are still doing as I do and not as I say!” He also calls for a substantial increase in the recently imposed $100 fine for anyone caught passing gas.

September 2013 – Due to recent passage of the nationwide law decriminalizing all hard drugs and changing the “3 strikes and you’re out law” to 10 strikes, the NFL is able to field enough teams to begin their 93rd season. Unfortunately, with referees now demanding the league provide bulletproof vests at its expense, another strike is a possibility.

October 2013 – The pressure from the politically correct activist group “Center for the Prevention of People Having Fun” ultimately results in Halloween being cancelled, citing it as an affront to Zombies everywhere. A spokesman for the group releases a statement praising the decision, saying: “Decaying, putrid corpses have every bit as much right to be free from ridicule as any other minority!”

November 2013 – With a groundswell of groups opposing Thanksgiving as a “vile celebration of the white man’s takeover of native American culture and lands”, Congress gives in to the pressure and officially renames the holiday “Thankstaking.”

December 2013 – In spite of its exclusivity, the government realizes there are just too many Christians in the country to outlaw any reference to Christmas. However, the prevailing mood is in evidence at the annual White House tree lighting ceremony as Obama’s speech refers only to “that dude that allegedly walked on water and did a lot of other cool stuff too.”