New scoring rules for fantasy football……

I actually started this blog yesterday and decided in was in poor taste. But I have renewed inspiration… today that the top running back in the National Football League has been indicted in Texas for child endangerment and neglect, presumably for excessive discipline of his son using a “switch” to spank the boy. The list of thugs and criminals in the NFL has gotten so long that team rosters look more like rap sheets than player statistics. And lest you think this is a racist post, the race of offending players matches very closely with their percentage of participation in the league. There truly is parity in the NFL.

One of the best tight ends in football, Aaron Hernandez, is in jail awaiting trial for murder. And as if there is any murder that can considered worse than any other, this was a “hit” murder to keep someone quiet about another possible murder he was involved in.

NFL player on way to "practice."

Hernandez on way to “practice.”

In case you’ve been under a rock lately, Ray Rice, star running back, has been suspended indefinitely for knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator and then dragging her body out to the lobby. The NFL Commissioner could well lose his job over the way he has handled this case.


New NFL domestic abuse policy.

Considered a premier quarterback in the league, Ben Roethlisberger, has been accused of rape on two separate occasions. Perhaps he got angered when they couldn’t pronounce his name correctly. Both of these were “settled” out of court and a short suspension ensued.

The list of arrests and convictions for drug offenses in the NFL is legendary. The NFL and players association is working on a revised set of standards as I write this to reduce the “punishment levels” of drug and steroid use. This is ostensibly because they are too stringent, but you and I know it’s so owners and coaches can actually field a team. I could go on.

However, back to America’s real pastime, Fantasy Football. Every September, corporations around the country suffer grievous lost man hours to the internet while otherwise competent workers adjust and hone their fantasy rosters for the coming weekend. If you don’t know how this works, essentially each “team owner” selects the best available players through an online draft process. Certain positions are filled, i.e. quarterback, running back, receiver, etc for each team. Then there are a certain number of players selected for the “bench” that can be substituted for injured or poor performing “starters” before games begin.

The idea is that, based on how many yards your players gain or how many touchdowns your players score, or field goals kicked etc., your player gets so many points awarded to him. You play against other fantasy teams each week and the “coach” whose team gets the most performance points wins that week. If your team does well over the course of the season, there is a playoff with prizes awarded.

It just seems to me that given the number of players that get arrested and/or suspended each year, we need to adjust fantasy scoring to reflect that. Instead of yards gained and points scored each week and since you don’t whether your player is going to be incarcerated or not, we need a more realistic method, like crimes committed by your players that week. Here’s my suggestion:

Offense committed              Points awarded player
Marijuana use                      1       (no points awarded if smoked in legalized state)
DUI                                       2      (add 1 point if arresting officer is also assaulted)
Leaving scene of accident    2.5   (add 2 points if car is also stolen)
Burglary                                3      (1 additional point for each item valued over $500)
Drug abuse                           *      (* meth-3 , cocaine-3.5, heroin-4, if dealer, add 5 pts)
Domestic Abuse                   4      (deduct 1 point if “self-defense” excuse is used)
Aggravated Assault              4.5   (add 2 points if victim is total stranger in a bar)
Armed Robbery                    5      (add 2 points if malicious wounding is included)
Rape                                     5      (deduct 3 points if player claims “she really wanted it”)
Murder                                  6      (1 point added for each additional victim)

OK, that’s it. May the worst team win and don’t forget to fill out your “line-ups”.

23 thoughts on “New scoring rules for fantasy football……

    • Or you could spend a day at the police precinct watching them get booked. It would be much less expensive….only problem …..they don’t sell hot dogs and beer at the station house.

  1. If American football is analogous to the Roman gladiator games where the dregs of society were sent into the arena to fight each other or fend off wild beasts until only one hardy (or lucky) soul was left standing (Or breathing), then what do you expect? Give a bunch of testerone-laden pumped up men big egos and even bigger pay checks and you have a perfect storm for creating havoc off the field. Plus there’s all that head banging. They cannot be operating on all cylinders.

  2. It’s all about dollars and the players value…how did we get to prize that before character? And on a lighter note…..the old adage springs to mind……’If it has tyres or bollocks you are going to have trouble with it’. Hugs for you my Bro…x

    • I’d be curious to know if there are so many professional athletes on your side of the pond who are in trouble with the law. Here it just seems to be a case of too much too soon for so many of these young men.

      • I am not aware of any, perhaps because of the scandals and misdemeanour’s of our politicians, Clergy and the conmen in our building trade, headlining our news and social media for the past decade.

      • Might be too much too soon, but I think you are being charitable. I have another theory about the social Milieu within which this enclave forms…..males and some females prone to violence and mostly get away with it. Think Mike Tyson!

  3. oh my goodness, I did not realise that it was that bad. Not that I understand football in the slightest ( sorry sweetpea but that’s the truth) I still think that if you are playing for your State or your Country you should at least have something good in your character. Surely this is how young people see their heroes of sport, and follow their ways as being a good example…

    I CAN ONLY THROW UP MY HANDS IN HORROR. The reason why I am commenting on here , like this i, is because I have to reset my password because some stupid person decided to hack into Gmail and has stolen lots of addresses…so WordPress has to have a new password and I made such a mess that they told me to go away and not try again for 30 mins….whoops!

    • Character is not a word that is in abundance here in professional sports….and it doesn’t matter who…players…coaches….agents….owners…they are all slaves to the almighty $$.

      I will speak to wordpress on your behalf. They can’t treat my loyal readers like this!

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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