New scoring rules for fantasy football……

I actually started this blog yesterday and decided in was in poor taste. But I have renewed inspiration… today that the top running back in the National Football League has been indicted in Texas for child endangerment and neglect, presumably for excessive discipline of his son using a “switch” to spank the boy. The list of thugs and criminals in the NFL has gotten so long that team rosters look more like rap sheets than player statistics. And lest you think this is a racist post, the race of offending players matches very closely with their percentage of participation in the league. There truly is parity in the NFL.

One of the best tight ends in football, Aaron Hernandez, is in jail awaiting trial for murder. And as if there is any murder that can considered worse than any other, this was a “hit” murder to keep someone quiet about another possible murder he was involved in.

NFL player on way to "practice."

Hernandez on way to “practice.”

In case you’ve been under a rock lately, Ray Rice, star running back, has been suspended indefinitely for knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator and then dragging her body out to the lobby. The NFL Commissioner could well lose his job over the way he has handled this case.


New NFL domestic abuse policy.

Considered a premier quarterback in the league, Ben Roethlisberger, has been accused of rape on two separate occasions. Perhaps he got angered when they couldn’t pronounce his name correctly. Both of these were “settled” out of court and a short suspension ensued.

The list of arrests and convictions for drug offenses in the NFL is legendary. The NFL and players association is working on a revised set of standards as I write this to reduce the “punishment levels” of drug and steroid use. This is ostensibly because they are too stringent, but you and I know it’s so owners and coaches can actually field a team. I could go on.

However, back to America’s real pastime, Fantasy Football. Every September, corporations around the country suffer grievous lost man hours to the internet while otherwise competent workers adjust and hone their fantasy rosters for the coming weekend. If you don’t know how this works, essentially each “team owner” selects the best available players through an online draft process. Certain positions are filled, i.e. quarterback, running back, receiver, etc for each team. Then there are a certain number of players selected for the “bench” that can be substituted for injured or poor performing “starters” before games begin.

The idea is that, based on how many yards your players gain or how many touchdowns your players score, or field goals kicked etc., your player gets so many points awarded to him. You play against other fantasy teams each week and the “coach” whose team gets the most performance points wins that week. If your team does well over the course of the season, there is a playoff with prizes awarded.

It just seems to me that given the number of players that get arrested and/or suspended each year, we need to adjust fantasy scoring to reflect that. Instead of yards gained and points scored each week and since you don’t whether your player is going to be incarcerated or not, we need a more realistic method, like crimes committed by your players that week. Here’s my suggestion:

Offense committed              Points awarded player
Marijuana use                      1       (no points awarded if smoked in legalized state)
DUI                                       2      (add 1 point if arresting officer is also assaulted)
Leaving scene of accident    2.5   (add 2 points if car is also stolen)
Burglary                                3      (1 additional point for each item valued over $500)
Drug abuse                           *      (* meth-3 , cocaine-3.5, heroin-4, if dealer, add 5 pts)
Domestic Abuse                   4      (deduct 1 point if “self-defense” excuse is used)
Aggravated Assault              4.5   (add 2 points if victim is total stranger in a bar)
Armed Robbery                    5      (add 2 points if malicious wounding is included)
Rape                                     5      (deduct 3 points if player claims “she really wanted it”)
Murder                                  6      (1 point added for each additional victim)

OK, that’s it. May the worst team win and don’t forget to fill out your “line-ups”.