The emasculation of the American male is now complete. According to the renowned Cleveland Clinic, there is a large uptick in the number of vasectomies performed during March Madness.

For those uninformed few, March Madness is that time of the year when college basketball has its tournament. The working world comes to a virtual standstill while workers fill out their “brackets” for who will win what games in what round. Even the President has a TV special as he makes his picks for the tournament. Pools are formed while the company’s bottom line is sacrificed for the sake of office bragging rights. With 68 teams in the tournament, many of these games have to be played during weekday working hours. For two weeks of the year, the nation’s GNP nosedives while millions hunker in their cubicles following the scores on the internet. But that’s changing.

Men, yearning for the comfort of their own recliner and a 2 for 1 pizza deal, are now using sick days to remain at home to watch these gladiators of the hardwood. But it’s not just their employers they are avoiding. They have found away to get around the real boss too. By scheduling a vasectomy at tournament time, they have earned the right to be pampered and unencumbered by menial house chores and those pesky “honey-do” lists that festoon the refrigerator door. As they recover from their ordeal under the urologist’s scalpel, they lie comfortably in their chair, ice pack in hand (and other places), attending to the important things in life, like who will make it to the final four. Ignoring their own grievous wounds and personal pain, they show more concern for the plight of others. Wives, relieved to no longer have the lead role in contraception, gladly allow their brave men the well-earned recuperation time in front of the TV. Talk about a win-win deal!

If you ladies are wondering just how involved or painful the procedure is, I can speak from experience that it is really quite easy and we need only a few days of tender loving care to be back to full strength. I should know. I just had my 31st vasectomy this week. Go Tarheels!

“Great shot! Pass the ice pack will ya, Joe?”