Plain to see, I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But I do have some remarkable powers of observation. I would be remiss if I did not share them. Therefore, for your perusal……

1. Squirrels exist on earth solely for dogs to chase. That’s it. No other reason.

2. There are only two species of penguins. White ones and black ones. The white ones will always walk toward you and the black ones will always walk away from you.

3. The number of birds that will poop on your car is inversely proportional to the number of days since your last car wash.

4. The degree of the threat of alleged man-made global warming is directly proportional to the politicians’ need for campaign contributions.

5. If you live near the beach, there will always be sand in your bed. Always. Freshly washed sheets are only an invitation for even more sand in your bed.

6. The average hair count for males is 100,000 hairs. That means somewhere a man is walking around with 80,000 of my follicles. If you see him, please tell him I’d like them back.

7. Planning to mow your lawn is a far more accurate predictor of rain than any weather satellite.

8. Contrary to popular belief, humans do not have picnics. Ants, flies and mosquitos have picnics. However, humans do have an innate and irresistible urge to attend and provide the food for these entomological gatherings.

9. Bovine flatulence is one of the leading causes of CO2 in the atmosphere. Human flatulence is just plain hilarious.

10. The universe and everything in it is continually expanding. That accounts for my pants not fitting anymore.