Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions…2012

Continuing a tradition begun last year, Big Al will once again favor you by foretelling the top political events for the coming year:

Jan 2012 –  Barack Obama will shock the nation by announcing his resignation. Blaming the “burdens” of the office as the reason for his soaring golf handicap, he decides to step down and concentrate instead on qualifying for this year’s U.S. Open.

Feb 2012 –  In his inaugural speech after being sworn in as the new leader of the free world, Joe Biden states “there’s no such thing as a free world…..or is that….a free lunch?”

Mar 2012 –  During their 379th debate, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry agree to push for a 28th amendment to the constitution, which will state that the candidate with the best hair should be president.

Apr 2012 –  President Biden, carrying on a century old tradition, throws out the first pitch of the new baseball season. The pitch is later nullified as it is learned Biden has tested positive for a performance enhancing drug.

May 2012 – Getting new life as a result of the recent ratification of the 28th amendment, also known as the “best hair” amendment, John Edwards and John Kerry announce they will again seek the nomination.

Jun 2012 – Taking a page out of Teddy Roosevelt’s campaign exactly 100 years earlier, Sarah Palin announces she will run as the nominee of the resurrected “Bull Moose” party. Her advisers immediately talk her out of using a picture of a gutted moose as her campaign symbol.

Jul 2012 – President Biden, fearing the effects of the 28th amendment, has a complete new set of hair plugs installed.

Aug 2012 – Donald Trump throws his hat in the political ring, stating that the centerpiece of his platform will be the repeal of the 28th amendment.

Sept 2012 – Barack Obama, who recently finished last in regional U.S. Open qualifying, holds a press conference and declares he ‘was just kidding” and wants to be President again.

Oct 2012 –  Al Gore announces his candidacy, stating the centerpiece of his platform will be to repeal the environment and replace it with synthetic air.

Nov 2012 – The “we are the 99%” activists occupy all of the precincts on voting day, disrupting the vote count and causing millions of hanging chads. George W. Bush is declared the winner.

Dec 2012 – Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn finally leave the country for good.