Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions…..2016

It’s December folks and you know what that means. Big Al does his yearly prognostication on what the big news headlines will be for the coming year. Please don’t contact me directly if you have any comments, as my trance state usually lasts well into the New Year.

And now…..ohm…..ohm….

January: The NFL Super Bowl is cancelled when most of the players on both teams are arrested for parole violations.

February: Donald Trump easily wins the New Hampshire primary by promising to build a wall on the Canadian border.

March: President Obama, in his last year in office, finally reveals that his strategy for stopping the Syrian conflict is to move every single Syrian to America.

April: Tiger Woods continues his free fall from his former unbeatable status in golf as he loses a charity match to 86 year-old Arnold Palmer by 17 strokes.

May: In a shocking development, Donald Trump announces he is stepping down as a candidate after he learns he would be legally prohibited from building a new 110-story White House.

June: President Obama ramps up his efforts for normalization of relations with Cuba by sending cigar aficionado and former President Bill Clinton to Havana to arrange their import.

July: In a patriotic July 4th appearance, Hillary Clinton announces daughter Chelsea will be her running mate. Later in the speech she criticizes Republican candidate Jeb Bush for his pathetic attempt to perpetuate the Bush “dynasty.”

August: In a moment reminiscent of the French Revolution, Al Gore announces that President Obama has agreed that all man-made climate change deniers will be publicly executed by guillotine.

September: Citing irreconcilable differences, Caitlin Jenner files for divorce from Bruce Jenner.

October: The final debate between the Presidential candidates ends abruptly as the moderator suffers a seizure from Hillary Clinton’s glare after asking her a question about Monica Lewinsky.

November: The national election on November 8th has a record low turnout. When asked by pollsters why they didn’t vote, the majority answer “No tienen una versión en Español de la boleta!”

December: President Obama calls the “War on Christmas” accusations ridiculous, saying the recent drone strike on the Nativity scene in Rockefeller Plaza was just a case of unfortunate “friendly fire.”