Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions, 2020

It’s year end readers and you know what that means. Time to pontificate my prognostications for next year.

If you’re anything like me, you are totally fed up with political news and the dividing of America into two antagonistic factions. Never fear, Big Al, the Mighty Mouse of bloggers, is here to “save the day.” As I am wont to do, I am going to save you from having to listen to “talking heads” newscasts next year so you can concentrate on being more neighborly. In that vein, here is the political news for 2020 in advance. As always, you can thank me later.

January: Adam Schiff, U.S. Representative and Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee impeaching President Trump, drops a bombshell. In his “fait accompli” announcement, he emphatically states that he heard first-hand from his cousin that a friend of hers overheard a customer in Starbucks saying that on a trip to Kiev last year, his girlfriend saw her tour guide talking to the secretary of an assistant to the Ukraine President’s Chief of Staff  who smiled very suspiciously when asked if she believed that President Trump ever discussed  “quid pro quo’ with her boss’s boss’s boss.

February: With the Iowa caucuses just a couple weeks away, the democrats finally whittle the field down to a more manageable 18 candidates. Speaking with obvious frustration, Democratic National Committee Chair, Tom Perez, announced “we had hoped to have it down to just 17, but Luigi Carpeesa, owner of a successful pizza shop in Cedar Rapids, came up with the 10,000 signatures needed to appear on the caucus ballot. The fact that they were on an oily tablecloth was challenged but was adjudicated and verified through the courts.

March: Frustrated after failing to bring down President Trump through special investigations and impeachment, the democrats now claim that he is an illegitimate President because he was not really born in the USA, as required by the Constitution. They say that, much like Superman from the planet Krypton, he was sent here in a pod years ago by aliens from Titan, Saturn’s largest moon, whose chief physical characteristics include orange skin, massive comb-overs, and making constant tweeting sounds.

April: Elizabeth Warren tweaks her plan for taxing the rich, announcing the tax rate for the super rich will be 125% of all their income. When told by aides that would be financially impossible, she suggests a nationwide garage sale so they may sell their assets to make up the difference.

May: During the 74th Democratic debate held in Chicago, candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden begins his opening statement telling the audience how great it is to once again be in “The Big Apple.”

June: Hillary Clinton finally officially announces her third run for President. However, she firmly states it is conditional on the immediate abolishing of the Electoral College, which she claims it has lost its accreditation due to its zero percent graduation rate.

July: The sanctuary state of California applies to the U. S. Congress to have its name officially changed to New Mexico. When informed that the name was already taken, it settles for the moniker the “Great State of  Used to Actually Be Mexico, But Then Became California, But Now Wants to Be Mexico Again.”

August: President Trump asks Congress for funds to extend the “wall’ to include the borders of the former state of California.

September: Multi-billionaire candidate and former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, surprise winner of the Democratic Nomination at the recently held convention, defends against attacks that he is “buying the election.” He states that he is only revitalizing the barter system, a fair trade system that existed in this country long before capitalism. His campaign slogan will be;  “I need your vote, you need a new car, let’s barter.”

October: With the national election only one month away, the highly anticipated, super-secure “Vote From Home” Microsoft online voting program is scrapped when it is learned that Billy Ocasio, a fifth grader from Johnson City, Tennessee accidentally hacks into the system while playing “Grand Theft Auto 2019” with a neighborhood friend.

November: Still reeling from the shocking election of the Independent candidate from Iowa, Luigi Carpeesa, as the 46th President of the United States, Democrats and Republicans alike are sternly introspective about what went wrong. After much angst and soul-searching most agree it was the catch phrase “A Carpeesa Pizza in Every Piazza” that ultimately did them in.

December: With the election furor finally fading and Americans everywhere channeling good will for the holiday season, their attention is once again sadly diverted when Adam Schiff announces that he has indisputable proof that President-elect Carpeesa conspired with Italy to interfere in the election.