“They did what?” Awards – Volume III – 2nd Edition

1. The “what ever happened to old-fashioned hide and seek?” award to the Chicago man who robbed a South Side Radio Shack. Raymond Jefferson, threatened the victims with a handgun, tied them up and took their cell phones before swiping handfuls of electronics from the shelf and beating a hasty retreat. Unfortunately, it appears everyone doesn’t love Raymond as the cops descended on him shortly after the heist. It seems one of the items on the shelf was a precision Global Positioning device. Police were able to track him down within minutes after arriving at the crime scene. Fortunately for the rest of us, we will not need a GPS to find Raymond as he can be easily reached at Joliet prison for the foreseeable future.

From the Shack to the "Big House"

2. The “my gun may not be shooting blanks but my brain is” award to Paul Doering of Hill City, South Dakota. Doering, an Old West re-enactor with a local attraction, was tried and sentenced to 7 1/2 years for inadvertently using  live ammunition during a “shootout” re-enactment at the show. His stray bullets injured three spectators in the crowd. If the sentence seems harsh to you, you should know that Doering is a 6-time convicted felon and tried to cover up his mistake. When details of his life emerged later, it was revealed that his favorite movie of all time was “Westworld”.

"That lady with the cane looks pretty slow on the draw, watch this."

3. The “screw ’em if they can’t take a joke” award to UCLA for mistakenly sending acceptance letters to 894 applicants who were actually supposed to be placed on the waiting list. In their letter of apology to the kids and parents, the University admitted this mistake exacerbated a particularly anxious time for the students and their families. A university representative who asked not to be identified, told interviewers that when the wait list acceptances are announced, these students will get top priority, provided there are no mistakes on their applications. The administration denied that they have changed their mission statement to “Don’t do as we do, do as we say”.

Closed for repairs!

4. The “smoke this!” award to the woman who stripped completely naked in the Denver International airport right after officials had admonished her for smoking in a non-smoking area. She immediately took off all her clothing, initially unnoticed by the passengers scrambling to get to their flights. After a few minutes, authorities noticed and corralled her and took her to a hospital for a mental evaluation. Shortly after the incident, airport maintenance crews were seen taking down the old signs and replacing them with new ones reading “No nude smoking!”

"Excuse me, do you have a light?"

5. The “ individual who best exemplifies La Leche League values” award to Rebecca Silva of Brookings, South Dakota (what’s in the water in South Dakota, anyway?). Silva, apparently in a state of intoxication, broke into a stranger’s home in Brookings at 5:00 am and tried to breast feed a 2-month old child, an onerous task considering she was not lactating. The mother, awakened by the family dog, called 911 and successfully got the baby away from the woman. Rebecca then proceeded to crawl into one of the beds in the home until police arrived. Rebecca was charged with unlawful occupancy. She was also charged with child abuse for missing the 2:00 o’clock feeding.

"Hurry, I think I hear your mom coming!"

6. The “advancement in Orwellian science” award to Harvard University, for including in its curriculum a new course called “Understanding Obama”. Professor Charles Ogletree will teach the course which is explained in the syllabus thusly: “This reading group will focus on the way in which race, religion, and politics have impacted the development of President Obama as a leader.” Ogletree was a mentor for Obama during his student days at Harvard and as such, he is considered the foremost expert and the only one in the world who understands him. Depending on the success of the course, another course is planned titled; “Understanding the 2700 pages of Obamacare”. It will be offered only at the Doctorate level and is expected to have a high dropout rate.

So far, this is the only student enrolled in the class.

7. The “no matter where you go, there you are” award to the developers at Broadcom Company who has just rolled out a microchip for cell phones that can pinpoint your location down to a few centimeters, vertically and horizontally, indoors and out. In theory, the new chip can even determine what floor of a building you’re on. While we’ve all been worrying that the government might try to force us to implant a chip in our head to keep track of us, we have given them de facto permission by buying communication devices that accomplish the same thing. Marketing executives from Broadcom have indicated that their advertising spokesman for the new chip will be Raymond Jefferson, just as soon as he receives his parole from Joliet.

"Yep, that's Big Al alright!"