Everything you didn’t need to know about Big Al…..but I’m going to tell you anyway.

Barbara at Day One responded to a post by GrannySmith. who asked some insightful questions about what we really want in life. Barbara’s answers were revealing, honest and heartfelt. In that vein, I’m going to answer those same questions  Ever wondered about Big Al’s serious side? Perhaps after reading this, you will know a bit more about what makes Big Al tick. I hope so.

Q.  If you could give a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?

 “Friends, Romans, countrymen, sorry, but I’m out of time.”

 Q. If you were told you were going to die at midnight, what would you be doing at 11:45 PM?

Setting all my clocks back.

Q. How do you know anything for sure?

I don’t, except that my computer will crash today….for sure!

Q. If you had all the money in the world, but still had to have some kind of job, what would   you do?

I’d start a money counting business.

Q. When you are 90 years old, what will matter to you most?

Where I put my supply of Viagra.

Q. What do you regret most so far in life?

That check I sent to Bernie Madoff.

Q. How can you apply that lesson you learned to your life today?

I will invest in land from now on. I’m going to take that great offer of some cheap land in Chernobyl.

Q. What would you change if you were told with 100% certainty that God does not exist?

I would stop hanging out with those creepy fundamentalists just for “heaven” insurance.

Q. a. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run to? b. Does that person know how much they mean to you?

a. I would run to a psychic who could tell me where I lost it. b. I assume so, after all, they are psychic you know!

Q. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?

Yeah. I haven’t gotten to play golf at Pebble Beach yet.

Q. What would you change if you knew you were never going to die?

My underwear….every day….forever.

Q. You are at Heaven’s gate and God says to you, why should I let you in? What would you say?

“You know I was just kidding with that heaven insurance crack, don’t you?”

Q. a. When will you be good enough for you? b. Is there some point when you will accept everything about yourself?

a. When I am Freshly Pressed. b. No, I will never accept this big pimple on my chin.

Q. Is the country you live in the best fit for you?

No, it’s actually a bit large on me. I’ve always felt I would look better in a Liechtenstein.

Q. What will people say about you at your funeral?

Yep. He’s dead alright.

Q. What small thing could you do to make everyone’s day better?

Not hit the publish button for this post.

Q. If you believe in God, would your relationship with God change at all if you were told with 100% certainty that he was actually a she?

Yes, I wouldn’t shower naked anymore.

Q. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?

Not being allowed to kill the entire selection committee at Freshly Pressed.